April/May To-Do List Update

Approximately 117 days to go!

April felt sort of unproductive.  I have this overwhelming need to feel like I'm "doing" something, but at this point, it's a lot of waiting.  What I did accomplish in April:

1.  I completed a yoga challenge!  15 classes in 30 days.  So, I feel a little more in shape, but mostly I feel reinvested in yoga.  Since I completed the challenge, I get a free massage!  I also rewarded myself with some new yoga pants.
2.  I got back on my "fertility diet," for the most part.
3.  I made some progress in terms of saving $$$, which is really why I'm waiting instead of starting right now.
4.  I actually made a tough decision around staying at my current job vs. trying to get a higher paying job at this point.  I just think it's going to be too crazy to try to change jobs and realistically, I don't want a different job right now.  Financially, I should be ok where I am and if I find that's not the case with an actual baby, I will re-evaluate the situation.

So, May is going to be another month of focusing on saving money, blah.  I need to do a little more driving in May, just so I don't get rusty while I'm saving for a car.  I also need to keep up with eating healthy and doing my yoga.  I'm hoping to see some warmer weather and get back to riding my bike.  I have to admit that I have totally relapsed on coffee.  I know that you don't have to totally give up caffeine while pregnant, so maybe I need to re-evaluate this.  I just love coffee so much.  If I do decide to give it up, that can probably wait another month or two...right???

Overall, I am feeling totally impatient.  I know I've said it before.  It's just that time really seems to be dragging.  It seems sort of silly to be this impatient when I only have a few months to go and have already waited this long.  I mean, at least I'm not having to wait a couple more years.  When I originally set a date to start TTC, it was actually for May 2012, so that might have something to do with it.  That was awhile ago though.  It's gradually moved back a month here and a month there, mostly because of savings goals. You would not believe the price of sperm these days.  I'm just hoping that I don't have postpone it any further.  The feeling of wanting a child also feels a little strange, it actually feels like missing a real person to me.  I don't want to get too cheesy here, so I'll leave it at that, but yeah, it's difficult to feel like I'm missing this "person" and having to wait longer to be re-united with them or something.

There are these moments too when I see certain people out with their kids and know that they probably didn't do all this planning and it's hard not to think..."well, if this person can just go out and have a baby without yoga, a fertility diet, a financial plan, a job, etc., why can't I just have a baby?"  Ok, I know, I am horrible.  It's hard though.  My new thing is that I see people treating their kids like crap and think "aaaaaand I had to have a psych eval to be allowed to try to get pregnant."  That's a whole different topic though.

So, here's hoping that I find a way to feel more patient over the next four months or that August comes sooner.

Anonymous vs. Willing to be Known vs. Known

Another tough decision along the way has been whether to go with a donor who is completely anonymous vs. one who is willing to be contacted by the child once they are 18.  Originally, my preference was to go with one of these "willing to be known" donors in case my future offspring does have some curiosity.  The main problem that I'm running into with this, is that I haven't been able to find a donor through TSBC who is "willing to be known" and also meets my other criteria.  When I expanded my search to include anonymous donors, I did find a few who I am interested in.  In fact, there is one who I am just in love with, who is anonymous.  So, my dilemma is this: do I prioritize my other criteria (physical characteristics, education, etc.) and hope that my future offspring doesn't have a burning desire to contact their donor or compromise on my other criteria in case they do?  If I go with an anonymous donor, will my child hate me?  Of course, it is possible that a new donor will pop up before I'm ready to order.  It is also possible that an anonymous donor could eventually change their status from anonymous to "willing to be known" at some point.  I will also say that the vials for anonymous donors are $100 less.  In a way, it feels selfish on my part to be willing to give up the "willing to known" status, but I am not exaggerating when I say that I could not find a donor in that bunch.

So, I just don't know.  I need to do some real soul searching on this one.

A quick note on known donors:

I have actually never seriously considered using a known donor for a variety of reasons, but I will say that I have had a couple of offers.  While these offers have been serious, I don't think that the other people involved really considered all of the potential complications.  Naturally, I declined.  Let me tell you though, nothing will compromise a friendship with a man like rejecting his sperm.  To get to my actual point though- I was surprised to learn recently that there could be some real legal issues when using known donor sperm.  I had just assumed that you could put together a contract and be all set.  Since I never seriously considered using a known donor, I never did much research about it.  Apparently, you can write up one of these "known donor contracts," but it may not hold up in court if the donor decides to sue for custody.  After the baby is born, you can go through a process to have the donor's parental rights terminated, assuming that he doesn't change his mind along the way.  So, one would have to really trust their known donor going into this.  I know that there are women out there who are able to pull this off, but I do not have this level of trust in anyone at this point, at least no one with a penis.

So, anonymous vs. willing to be known.  I'll let you all know what I decide.

Sperm Week

This may sound dorky, but I am excited.  I just scheduled a week off in July and am hoping to use that week to have my vials of "sperm" (still not liking that word) shipped from California and then taking them to the hospital here to be "transferred."  This won't take the whole week, I just wanted a week off in the summer and figured it would be less stressful to deal with when I'm home from work.  So, I'm calling this "sperm week."  I can't wait.  I will have to restrain myself from going around and saying things like "sperm week's almost here!"  "it's sperm week!"  I accept that not everyone will want to celebrate sperm week with me.  88 days until "sperm week!"  Ok, I should probably work on getting a life between now and then.