19 Weeks

Wow, I am a serious slacker here.  Overall, the second trimester has been going well.  I'm over morning sickness!  In general, I've felt so good that I hardly feel pregnant at times.  Although, my belly is definitely growing!  In the first trimester, I feel like I was mostly consumed with not feeling well and with a general feeling of "oh my god, I can't believe I'm actually pregnant!"  In the second trimester, I have regained my energy and am feeling consumed by "holy crap, there is so much to be done before the baby gets here!"  So, my life is a lot of to-do lists at the moment (with occasional panic mixed in!), which may explain the lack of posting.  A couple of high lights from the second trimester thus far:

1.  Movement!  I started feeling little movements at week 16, although at the time, I wasn't completely sure it was movement.  Now, at 19 (almost 20 weeks) there's no doubt that's what it is!  The little movements are also getting stronger by the week.

2.  Anatomy Scan:  I had this four days ago and let me tell you, it was an emotional roller coaster!  I started getting really nervous a few days prior, worrying about all of the things that could possibly be wrong with the baby.  During the actual ultrasound, I was shaking like a leaf and trying not to cry, but I don't think the resident doing the ultrasound even noticed.  It didn't help that the whole thing seemed to take forever (in reality, it actually did take 2 hours).  So, he would be looking at something and I couldn't tell if he thought there was a problem or what.  The baby was head up and back up, so I guess it was just hard for them to see everything that they needed to see and measure, so that's why it took so long, but that did not help my anxiety.  In the end, everything was perfect.  Baby is measuring right on and has all needed limbs and organs.  Also, baby is a girl!  I am completely over the moon about this, particularly because I had a strong feeling it was a girl and did not want to be wrong.  Something about seeing the baby and knowing the gender has also fostered an intense bond.  I actually have been feeling fiercely protective of her since the scan.

Overall, I am at times overwhelmed with everything that has to be done, but also really looking forward to meeting my daughter in May!

12/13 Weeks

Today, I am 13 weeks 3 days!

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow, thank God!  I have been needing some confirmation that the baby is still...you know...alive.  I had an ultrasound that showed the heartbeat at 7 weeks 5 days, but nothing since then!  I last saw the midwife at 9 weeks, but she didn't listen for a heartbeat because she felt it was probably too early to hear and would freak me out if we couldn't hear it!  Plus, I didn't even have any sort of physical examination that visit, so it just seems like a really long time to wait for confirmation that everything is still ok!  I mean, most of this time I have had symptoms that should indicate that the pregnancy is still going well, but now that I'm heading into the second trimester (holy shit!) those symptoms are slowing down.

Speaking of symptoms, my nausea is starting to subside, which is so great!  I'm still having a bit in the morning (I had to lie down on the bathroom floor this morning actually), but not later in the day, so eating has been going better.  I think I have gained at least 2lbs also, which is a relief.  I felt like I had been stepping on the scale and seeing the same number everyday for a long time.  It's sort of weird to be stepping on the scale and hoping for a higher number!  The most bothersome symptom at this point is abdominal discomfort.  It feels like there's a lot of stretching or something happening in there, which is uncomfortable.  I get some weird pain in my pelvic and hip bones too.  It all kind of makes me wonder how I'm going to tolerate labor!

Speaking of labor, I found a doula!  They're a doula team actually, but only one of them comes to the birth, depending on who is available.  I met with them for an initial consult and just talking with them over coffee (tea for me, haha) helped me feel so supported!  They provide quite a bit:  pre-natal visits to go over comfort measures, being there for the whole labor/delivery, then for up to two hours afterward to help with breast feeding, then 2-3 postpartum visits.  I really can't emphasize enough how awesome of an experience just meeting them was!  So, hopefully having them on board will make for a positive birth experience.

In other happenings, I have been "coming out" about the pregnancy, which has mostly been a positive experience.  I think it's helped it feel more real too.  Having the pregnancy be a secret was starting to feel weird.  Plus, I am showing a little anyway, so it sort of had to be done.  I've told people at work and made a general Facebook announcement.  My parents also started telling my extended family.  My 85-year-old grandmother actually said that she's so glad the science exists for me to be able to do this, which was so awesome to hear!  I will say that she is afraid to tell my grandfather, so my mom is going to do it, but has to take my dad with her for back-up basically.  I told my parents that it would be ok with me if we just don't tell him (if he's really going to get that riled up), but they're concerned that he'll hear it from someone else.  Aside from that, I have had nothing but positive reactions.  Many of the reactions have involved some level of shock though!  I haven't explained to anyone who I don't know that well that I used a donor, so I think there may be some general confusion.  I mean, it's not really a secret, but it just feels awkward to try to explain myself if I'm not asked.

So overall, things are going well and starting to feel real, which is both really exciting and kind of scary at the same time!

10/11 Weeks

Today, I am 11 weeks, 3 days.  Obviously, I have been bad about keeping up the blog.  I still blame it on the fatigue, nausea, and general lack of productivity.  I am starting to feel somewhat better.  I'm not quite as tired, I haven't vomited lately, but I am still fairly nauseous with no appetite.  I feel like I'm starting to show a little bit, although I haven't gained any actual weight.  It's funny, I've never really had a problem gaining weight before.  My friends say that I'm not showing though, but my clients at work have been eyeing my belly suspiciously and I don't think I'm imagining it.  I'm sort of in this awkward place too where my regular clothes don't fit that great, but maternity clothes are too big, so that's kind of annoying.

Overall, the pregnancy still has not been feeling completely real, but I have a feeling that will change.  This week, I will be approaching the 12 week mark, which means telling more people over the next few weeks.  It means telling the people who didn't know I was trying or even considering parenting, so I think there is a little more potential for weird reactions.  Up until this point, I have told my immediate family and friends who knew that I was trying.  Later this week, my parents are planning to tell my extended family.  At work, I think I will probably start looking more pregnant.  I will probably put something on Facebook in the next week or two.  So, actually, I'm really nervous about these people knowing.  I'm afraid of being disowned by some family members, particularly my republican grandparents on my mom's side.  I've also found that it's just not the best feeling to tell someone you're pregnant and then face a reaction that is anything other than excitement.  So, I am trying to muster up some courage heading into this week.  I am reminding myself that I am not a teenager revealing a pregnancy.  I am a 30 (soon to be 31) year old woman with master's degree who has been planning this for years.  So, I need to have some confidence, if not for me, then for the baby.

On an exciting note, I am meeting a doula team later this week!  I realize that it might be early to get a doula in place, but I didn't want to mess around.  I am feeling better (although not 100%) about my sister being pregnant, but she is due exactly 3 weeks after me, so it does pose some logistical issues in terms of support, particularly if I am late.  My sister is less likely to be late as she will ask to be induced.  So, it is very possible that our babies could be 1-2 weeks apart.  This will be a strain on my parents.  So, I will need to be good about putting together a non-family support team for the birth and immediate postpartum period.

My tasks for today include trying to get some food in me, trying to get my house clean, and trying to find some courage.  I will keep you all posted on how these next few weeks turn out!

9 Weeks

Well, I've made it to 9 weeks.  There's not too much to report this week, but I thought I would try to check in at least once per week.  I've still been pretty nauseous and actually got sick earlier this week when I got a whiff of white vinegar.  Today, I'm actually not feeling as nauseous or tired, but that's a catch 22.  Symptoms disappearing makes me worry that something is wrong.  So, it's pretty much a lose-lose situation at the moment!  I still wish that I was eating better.  I know that I'm supposed to be eating all these fruits and vegetables, but all my body really wants when I can actually eat something is carbs and fats.  I am taking advantage of feeling good today by going on an OCD cleaning binge.

I'm feeling a little bit better about the whole sister-being-pregnant-at-the-same-time situation.  I mean, it's going to take awhile before I'm completely over it, but I am feeling better than last week.  She and I has a long phone conversation this week, which is mostly what helped.  I feel really uneasy if we're not speaking.  I also concluded from my conversation with her that, as much as I love her, she is insane.  So, that provided some validation.

I've made a pregnancy to-do list, which is kind of long and scary.  Most of the things need to wait until after the first trimester, but I'm trying to work on what I can now.  This week, I had the grueling task of applying for additional life insurance.  I figured I should do this before I start gaining weight, although I think I will still be in an ok weight range later on.  So, tomorrow, I have an examiner coming to my house (so weird) to take blood and stuff.  Take note of this in case I go missing!  I think the worst part of the to-do list is going to be all of the "in case I die" preparations.  It's all so depressing, but so necessary at the same time, uhg.

I have started vacillating between being excitement and sheer terror.  I've had a few "can I really do this?" moments this week.  I'm sure this will be an ongoing theme.  Organizing things and making to-do lists actually does kind of help though.

Overall, I am doing ok and still eagerly awaiting the end of the first trimester so that I can be openly pregnant.  A little less that 3 weeks!  I can officially "come out" on Halloween.

My little peanut

8 Weeks

I feel like I haven't posted in awhile after the flurry of "oh my gosh, I'm pregnant" and various beta anxiety posts.  In the past two weeks, I started feeling pretty nauseous and tired, hence the lack of posting.  Basically, when I get home from work, I am non-functional.  The nausea does at least help me feel like I'm actually pregnant, so it has at least eased my anxiety some.  I also had another ultrasound this week, which went well (I'll try to post a picture).  The baby's heart was visibly beating a strong 154 beats per minute!  So, that's also helped with my anxiety.  Overall, I am looking forward to the first trimester being over so that I can A.  Maybe feel better?  and B.  Not be in the closet about the pregnancy!

In other news, my sister told me that she's pregnant earlier his week and I have to admit, I did not take it well.  I'm aware that this is may be immature, but it's honestly how I am feeling.  My sister is two years younger than me and to be fair, she has been trying for quite some time, but I have always felt that she was trying to beat me to it especially after I told her that I was going to move forward with this.  I was a bit surprised by the news because this past summer, she had told me that her doctor had said that she needed to lose around 60lbs before getting pregnant to minimize the possibility of being high-risk, so I thought she was taking time off to lose weight, but I guess not.  So, I'm upset on a few levels:

1.  I definitely wanted to feel like this was sort of my moment, especially after there was a lot of focus on my sister getting married a little over a year ago and then buying a house this past year.  I know this will probably be my only pregnancy, so I did want the attention on me for a second.  One of the issues I have always had with my sister too is that since we're so close in age, I always felt like we were treated like twins growing up.  We had to share everything, people couldn't tell us apart, it felt like it was hard to be individuals, etc.  Everyone always referred to us as "the girls," so now it just kind of feels like "the girls are pregnant."

2.  I really feel like it stretches my support system thin.  I'm not sure exactly when my sister is due, but it sounds like it will probably only be about 3 weeks after me (So, to be fair, she probably got pregnant before I told her, but still).  Obviously many babies come late, but knowing my sister, she will be induced on or before her due date and she is not opposed to elective c-section.  So, there's quite a possibility of our babies only being like a week apart.  Obviously, my sister is not going to be able to be here for me, but I also am unsure about my mom.  She had been planning to take time off from work to come stay with me after the baby is born (especially in the event of a c-section), but if my sister is delivering possibly 1-2 weeks later, with a potentially high-risk pregnancy, my mom will also need to be there for her (we live in different states about 6 hours away).  My mom was also planning to take time off from work to come stay with my baby for a week or two when I first go back to work, but again, she doesn't get endless time off from work, so....

Sidenote:  I don't mean to sound insensitive about my sister's health/weight.  Of course, I hope it's fine.  If something ever happened to her or her baby, it would kill me.  However, I can't help but feeling like the fact that she wasn't willing to take a little time to at least try to lose some weight means that she is in competition with me.  I also just wish that she would take better care of herself because I don't want her to have any problems.

3.  The nail in the coffin:  I have been really trying to move on from this since she told me earlier this week, but I was talking to mother this morning and she told be that my sister has decided not to wait the 12 weeks to announce her pregnancy.  So, I'm waiting another month and my sister will announce to our extended family, friends, facebook, everything, before me.  So, yeah, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel like this is not a competition.  There's a long history of her doing things that seem competitive, I won't bore you all with the details, but this is not the first and my parents have definitely noticed it over the years.

I will admit too, that I didn't have the best reaction when my sister actually told me.  I have since apologized, but I don't know that she is accepting my apology at this time, so now I am dealing with wondering how long we will be on non-speaking terms, do I need to call and beg for her forgiveness?, etc.

So, I'm trying to get past it and to feel like my pregnancy is still special, but it's hard.  It's not like I don't have friends, but my immediate family is definitely my core support system.  I know that in the long term, it will probably be good for my baby to have a cousin who is their same age.  Although, I don't know... my sister and I will raise our children very differently, my parents will treat them like twins, so I don't really know exactly how this will play out.  Right now though, it's definitely tough.  I have told some people this week and felt like I faced a lot of invalidation.    So, I definitely plan to minimize the number of people I say anything to about this in the coming months, because honestly, I just find myself recoiling when someone tells me how awesome this is going to be for me and my kid.

Holy Lack of Appetite!

OMG, food has become so unappealing to me!  I am not exactly nauseous, but I just feel full all of the time.  I hit this wall when I'm eating, it's like, if I take one more bite, I am going to be nauseous!  I just feel so guilty because I have this long list of food that I'm supposed to be eating (7-9 servings of fruit and vegetables per day, whaaa????) and I can barely eat.  I just hope my little peanut is getting all of the nutrients she/he needs.  I mean, I am taking a pre-natal vitamin, but still.  I also have been starting to feel a little weak/dizzy/tired, like some food might help!  I was pretty much immobile on the couch for like two hours this afternoon, not exactly sleeping, but just not enough energy to function.  The only thing I am really craving is chocolate milk.  Of course, chocolate milk is super filling, so once I have that, I can pretty much be done for hours!  Right now, I kind of want some tacos from a specific place, but I know I'm going to hit that wall, so is it really worth it to pay for take out?  I do have this book, Real Food for Mother and Baby, that kind of breaks down what you need eat more simply and acknowledges how most of the nutrition recommendations for pregnant women are unrealistic in quantity the first trimester.  I think the first trimester is supposed to be a lot about focusing on vitamins A and D (I think), so hopefully, as long as I'm getting that, I'm not doing permanent damage to my baby!

Houston, We Have a Heartbeat!

So, the ultrasound went well!  We were able to see the gestational sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and a little heartbeat!  The heartbeat was too new to measure BPM, but definitely there- a little flicker on the screen!  Most, importantly, there is only one!  In the past couple of days, I started convincing myself that I might be carrying twins and was freaking out!  So, maybe I can enjoy at least a couple of anxiety free days before I invent the next issue?  We got a look at my fibroid too (another freak-out I had been having) and it looks small and away from everything important.  They're going to measure it as we go along, but don't think it will interfere with anything.  I also had my initial pre-natal appointment with a midwife, which went well.  Of course, I got a lecture about the need for "supports" because of my "situation," but it wasn't too bad.  So, overall, I am feeling pretty good today!

Feeling Slightly More Pregnant

Over the past few days, I've started to feel a little more symptomatic again, which has helped ease some of my anxiety.  Mostly, I just have a lot of cramping going on, which does feel a little freaky, but I know it's different than the usual cramps.  It at least feels like there's some activity there, so I'm good with that.  I still don't feel nauseous or tired.  My appetite is maybe a little less than usual.  I've actually lost about two pounds!  I don't feel like I'm eating that much less though.  So, yesterday, I allowed myself to spend some time with the baby name book, research baby products online, and peruse maternity and baby clothes at the mall this afternoon.  Also, I am OCD cleaning more than usual!  So, I still remain cautiously optimistic as this is still pretty early (5 weeks, 2 days).  Tuesday, I have my ultrasound and meeting with a midwife.  If the ultrasound goes well, I get to tell my Dad and sister so, big week ahead!

Lack of Symptoms

Today I am 4 weeks and 5 days.  I have had some symptoms, but they haven't lasted, which is kind of freaking me out a bit.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to feel horrible, but it would be comforting to at least feel pregnant in some way.  I had sore boobs and PMS-like cramping and bloating, but both of these symptoms seems to have disappeared in the last 48 hours.  I also had no appetite, but that seems to have improved some too.  I am not nauseous.  I have just as much energy as usual.  I am trying to stand by my commitment to be in the moment, not worry away the first trimester, etc., but it is much easier said than done!  I am actually not googling too much because I do recognize that the internet is not my friend at the moment.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week when I will be 5 weeks, 4 days.  When I called to schedule, they wanted to set me up with my first pre-natal appointment for right after the ultrasound.  All I could think was, "shouldn't we wait to see if it's viable first?"  I didn't say anything though and let them schedule the appointment.  So, hopefully, I will be having my first meeting with a midwife next week.

I recognize that I do have a tendency to feel anxious when something good happens, imagining all of the ways that it could be taken away.  Last year, when I bought by condo, I kept thinking about what would happen if I lost my job and couldn't pay my mortgage.  Eventually, I realized that A) My mortgage isn't that much, B) I don't really make that much money, so C) If I lost my job, I could probably get a job at the Gap and still pay my mortgage.  So, now, I enjoy my condo without the anxiety.  Hopefully, an equivalent of this will happen for this pregnancy.

Oh!  And listen to this!  Yesterday, I called up a place here that helps with childcare searches to ask about when I would need to start the process of looking for childcare.  Well!  They told me that some daycares around here (of which there are not that many) have waiting lists until 2014, so it would make sense to start now.  So, while I sit here wondering if my pregnancy is viable, my microscopic cluster of cells is on the waiting list for four center based daycares.

Sigh of Relief

Well, my beta went from 117 (14dpo) to 402 (16dpo)!  I was actually really surprised to get a call from an awesome nurse who didn't want me to have to wait until tomorrow.  They're supposed to call me tomorrow to set up a 6 week ultrasound.  So, I am trying to just relax about all this now!  In the way of symptoms, I don't have too much going on for the moment.  I have some bloating and mild crampiness, but overall, I feel the same, at least physically!

Waiting for 3rd Beta

I'm waiting to have my beta level drawn again tomorrow and then results on Monday.  Let me tell you, it feels like a long time to wait!  In the mean time, I have been working on seriously chilling the f*** out.  I feel like I'm in this limbo:  wanting to be really excited, but also fearing miscarriage.  However, I can't spend 12 weeks like this.  What's going to happen, is going to happen.  Other than just taking good care of my body, I can't really do much else.  It's out of my control.  I have looked forward to being pregnant for a long time, so I am basically trying to look at each day as "I'm still pregnant today."

Waiting for 2nd Beta

Ok, today is the day I have to go in to have the second beta to make sure that it has doubled.  I doubt I will have the results today, but hopefully by tomorrow.  Much positive energy needed!  The second line is much darker than two days ago, so I do feel like my level is going up.  That spotting has not returned (knock on wood) and my BBT has stayed elevated this whole time.  I am putting the thermometer away today!  I will keep you all posted.

UPDATE:  Beta went from 62 (12dpo) to 117 (14 dpo), which is not a perfect double, but close.  So, I have to go back for another (!) on Saturday, which I'm sure means no results until Monday.  I feel like people don't normally need to do this?

Well...

Just heard back about my beta and it was 62 yesterday, which was about 12dpo.  I guess that's "ok," the real issue is if it doubles tomorrow.  However, I did just have a bit of spotting, which is making me nervous.  So, we'll see.

Stronger by the Day

Well, the second line has been getting stronger every day, but I am still anxiously awaiting beta results!

Waiting for Beta

Sitting at the lab waiting to have blood drawn for my beta HCG. So nervous!!!! Please be a strong beta! Then I have to go back in a few days to make sure it doubles and then 6 week ultrasound, eeeeeeek!!!

UPDATE:  I had my blood drawn this morning for my beta, but haven't heard back about the results and the end of business day has come and gone, uhg!  Hoping to hear tomorrow!

Ohhhhhh, I can see how this is going to go!

Let me just say that this day has been spent googling a lot of things.  Somewhere in my travels, I stumbled upon multiple reports of false positives with Wondfo pregnancy tests and started FREAKING OUT!  This freak out ended with me doing a pregnancy test on a glass of water.  I am relieved to announce that my glass of water is not pregnant!  Planning on calling the doctor tomorrow to talk about a blood test!

And Then There Was This......

Well, it's looking like a real second line now! I am basically in a state of shock, disbelief, and pure joy at the same time. I remain cautiously optimistic as this is still really early, so here's hoping that the line continues to get stronger!

New Level of Crazy

Well, I started testing yesterday at 9dpo, which was negative.  Then, I tested this morning at 10dpo and think I might be hallucinating a faint second line.  With the risk of fully exposing the crazy, here it is:

Checking in 6dpo

Yeah, I'm definitely going crazy.  This 2ww just seems so long.  I know that implantation likely would not have occurred yet, so I should not be having symptoms, but the lack of symptoms drives me nuts.  It's so bizarre.  I do feel really bloated, but I might just a little fat.  I've been having a lot of twinges and my pelvic region just feels kind of sore, like I have been exercising, which I haven't, but I think it's very possible for these symptoms to be psychosomatic.  Another weird thing:  my jaw is killing me.  It's like I've suddenly developed TMJ.  I'm probably just stressed and grinding my teeth.  I don't think jaw pain is a pregnancy symptom anyway.  So, overall, I don't feel much different, which is driving me insane, despite knowing that I should not feel different.  Ahhhhh!!!!!

I haven't decided when to start testing.  I am definitely guilty of peeing on a stick very early.  The last two times, I started around 8dpo, knowing that it would be negative even if it would eventually become a positive.  I'm not feeling the urge yet, mostly because I do not want to see a negative.  So, I might aim for around 10dpo, which would be Sunday.  My parents will be here this weekend, so that should be interesting.  I'm almost wondering if I should wait until they leave because I don't want to be feeling all bummy around them, but at 10dpo even with a negative, I will likely hold onto hope until AF shows up.  I will also be on vacation from work next week.  I'm not sure if that's going to be good or bad honestly.

I just want off this crazy train!

32 Million Motile

I had my first IUI today and am back in the 2ww!  I'm hoping 3rd time's a charm?  I was actually super emotional about it last night.  I have this playlist on my ipod titled "Baby's Introduction to Good Music," where I've basically collected songs over the past few years for my future baby.  It's some children's songs, some songs about childhood, etc.  So, I was listening to songs from this playlist last night, on the way to the IUI this morning, and on the way home to basically get the Oxytocin flowing.  The songs are rather emotional for me, so basically, I've been a sobbing, but happy, emotional mess for the past 24 hours.

The IUI itself went pretty well.  It was quick and painless.  The best news is that my donor's counts were amazing, just like the sperm bank said they would be.  The vial was 107 million with 59% motility, which the Andrologist said translates to 32 million motile.  For IUI vials, they are looking for at least 10 million.  She said the sample actually looked like a fresh sample.  So, I am really grateful to have picked out this super sperm!  

Now, my task is to not drive myself insane over the next two weeks!

  

Gearing Up!

Ok!  IUI #1 is tomorrow morning at 9:30!!!  I am proud of myself for really narrowing down my surge, as if this some great skill.  I have gotten kind of crazy with the OPKs.  I have been testing every four hours during my peak days.  I also use two different OPKs.  I mostly use cheap ones off of Amazon, but then I do at least two Clearblue Easy during my peak days.  Both of my OPKs were negative at 6:30am and positive at 10:30am.  So, my IUI tomorrow will be right around the 24 hour mark.  I am hoping these sperm can live for awhile in the event that ovulation takes a little longer than 36 hours, which I fear that it might.  It seems unclear how long frozen sperm can really live.  I've heard that it's around 12 hours for IUI sperm, but I'm going to cross my fingers that my fallopian tubes can keep them going for longer if needed.  I am super psyched, but also trying not to be too excited!

Vacillating Between Optimism and Pessimism

I'm sitting here in the empty second bedroom with my tank, mentally preparing for my first IUI this week.  I've been feeling pretty optimistic about it to the point of really feeling like "this is it...it's happening this month...I am having a baby in May."  I have spent quite a bit of time on the internet researching baby products, OB providers, baby names, etc., etc., etc.  It's not like I haven't been doing this for years, but this time, it feels like I'm researching these things for real, if that makes sense.  However, I'm almost worried that I'm setting myself up for a harsh BFN.  So, I'm trying to talk myself down to a more cautious form of optimism.  I think it's the transition from home inseminations to IUI that is to blame for this.  There's a part of me thinking "oh, IUI will definitely work," but I have to remember that IUI is not a sure thing.

On the other hand, I've also found myself starting to think about the whole "what if this doesn't work?" scenario.  So, I'm asking myself questions like: "How many IUIs am I willing to do?  Am I willing to consider medication?  At what point?  What about IVF?  How long would it take me to save up for IVF?  What about adoption?  Child-free living?  At what point do I give up?"  Ahhhh!!!!  Realistically, I know that I need to sort of take things one month at time right now, but these questions are definitely in the back of my mind.  I feel like my summer has basically been spent TTC, which is fine, but it's kind of hard to think about spending the next year or few years or basically my 30's trying to have a baby.  I don't know how people have the stamina to TTC on a long-term basis.  In reality, I know that I'm in this for as long as it takes, but I sure hope it doesn't take that long!

So, I'm CD9 and now in the OPK race.  Monday morning, I take my tank up to the hospital.  I'll probably be going in for the IUI on Thursday or Friday.

It's Baaaaaaack......

I have to take this thing to the RE at the main hospital here Monday morning and hope I don't see anyone I know. I can only imagine what my neighbors must think at this point! I am seriously hoping that this is my last tank delivery.

Moving on to IUI

Yeah, so I'm not pregnant.  That spotting was the arrival of early AF.  I'm actually fine with it, it's just kind of funny to me how I will convince myself that I'm pregnant with every twinge during the 2ww.  I'm not even a super optimistic person by nature.

What's helped me to feel better about the BFN, is having a solid plan for this month, which I do feel more optimistic about.  I'm definitely moving on to IUI.  I'm glad that I started with the at-home inseminations;  I just needed that privacy.  However, I don't have the patience to keep doing them.  I can see how having life divided into two week increments can become exhausting.  I'm doing ok with it so far, but it's only been two cycles.  I don't think it will take too many more before I start getting stressed, so I want off this ttc train ASAP.  Additionally, I have enjoyed the lower cost of at-home inseminations, but if I have to do more of them to get pregnant, it seems like it might end up being just as expensive.  I do also have a concern, which I think I said in a previous post, that if there is a fertility issue, the RE is not going to be investigating that until after some failed IUIs.  I could go to him and say that I've had 10 failed at-home inseminations and he would probably just tell me that I need to do IUI.

Moving on to IUI also means switching donors.  The donor who I was using for at-home inseminations only has raw vials available, which can't be used for IUI.  Technically, I know I can have them washed at my RE, but it's one more cost and I don't know how that will affect the count.  More importantly though, he's almost sold out anyway.  He's super popular.  So, I moved on to one of my other donor choices, who was actually my original first choice.  For those of you who have seen the pics, this is the blonde.  Actually, I had a very strong emotional reaction to seeing his baby pic for the first time.  As soon as I saw it, I felt like "that's my baby!"  He meets all of my basic requirements, but I will admit that he is an anonymous donor.  I do feel a bit guilty about this, but I just could not find another willing-to-be-known donor who was a good fit.  There is the possibility that this donor could switch to WTBK at some point, so I will keep my fingers crossed for that.  The good thing about him being anonymous is that it makes him less popular.  It seems like he should have vials available for awhile, which is important because I may want to purchase some sibling inventory, just in case.  The really good news about this donor is that he has crazy-high sperm counts.  The vials that I ordered are about 100 million motile for an IUI vial!  To put this in context, this sperm bank guarantees 10 million motile for IUI vials.

So, the tank will be here Friday, which is a bit earlier that normal, so that I can take it to the RE for transfer a few days before the IUI.  I should be due for the IUI later in the week of August 20th!  Hopefully, 100 million motile sperm being placed directly into the uterus will do the trick!  I find myself thinking about the potential due date and astrological sign every month.  So, if this cycle works, it will be a 5/17/2013 due date, which is on the cusp of Taurus and Gemini. So, if they're a few days late, which seems common, they will be a Gemini.  It would also mean a May-August maternity leave.  Trust me, I know that maternity leave is not like a vacation, but I think I would rather spend my summer taking care of a new baby than being at work!

Implantation vs. Menstruation

I had some spotting today.  I'm 11dpo, so it's a little early for AF.  I would day 4-5 days early.  Spotting is a potential sign of implantation, so I am cautiously optimistic.  I did also have a temperature dip yesterday, which is also a sign.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster!  I cannot ever remember having an early period, but I suppose if I'm going to have one, it will be while I'm ttc!  So, I am hoping, hoping, hoping that this is implantation.  Please cross fingers and toes for me!

Checking in 8dpo

The 2ww will coming to an end soon enough.  I will admit that I have already peed on a stick, which was negative, but I know it's still too early to tell.  Overall, I do not feel pregnant, although I am aware that 1.  implantation may have no occurred yet and 2.  it is very possible, likely even, to not have symptoms in the 2ww even if one is pregnant.  So, there is still time.  I have been having really crazy, vivid dreams since I did the insemination.  This morning, it was to the point that I didn't even sleep in very late because I was tired of dreaming.  It's not like they're nightmares or anything, it's just that the dreams are so vivid and weird that it's kind of exhausting.  I haven't had this many dreams in awhile.  I also have been a bit irritable, but 1. I am prone to irritability 2.  I'm noticing that the 2nd half of my cycle tends to be laden with irritability (damn that progesterone) 3.  It has been wicked hot and 4.  I have been somewhat stressed related to work.  So, the irritability is likely not a pregnancy symptom.

Of course, I am having to think about the next step if this cycle didn't work.  I spent a long time doing the math last night.  I know that I am definitely not doing another at-home cycle.  The chances of it working are just less, even though I know that I have a reasonable chance at my age.  The bigger reason though is that if I do have any kind of fertility problem, it will not be investigated by my RE until after a number of failed IUIs.  So, I feel like I could end up wasting time and money by doing home inseminations with no information about my fertility.  I did go in for my day 21 progesterone test yesterday, so I will hopefully have those results by the end of this week, which will at least give me a clue as to whether I'm really ovulating.

So, just a few more days to go!

BBT Rise!

It's amazing when you're ttc the kind of things that will "make your day."  Today, my day has been made by an appropriate BBT rise this morning!  Last cycle, as some of you may recall, I did not get a rise in BBT until almost a week after getting a +OPK, which had never happened before.  I still don't know what that was about.  Maybe I surged, but didn't ovulate for awhile?  Who knows.  Today though, my BBT has risen the way that it usually does: on the third morning following a +OPK.  This doesn't really help me pinpoint ovulation exactly though.  It could either mean that I don't ovulate until nearly 48+ hours after a +OPK or that it takes my body an extra day to get a rise in temp.  I'm assuming that latter is probably more accurate and hoping that it is normal, not indicative of a problem.  I have a book that is almost a little alarmist about BBT.  It makes it sound like you should get a fast, dramatic BBT rise and that if you don't, it's a weaker ovulation.  Anyway, I'm hoping that I ovulated on Saturday, preferably early in the day.  That would have been good timing with the insemination.  So, I am hopefully 2dpo today.

On another note, I am looking at the calendar and thinking that this 2ww seems long.  I don't know why, but it seems longer than last time.  The difference may be that at this point in the cycle last time, I had not had a BBT rise and was therefore not feeling optimistic about the cycle.  I was basically waiting for it to be over so I could figure out what to do next.  Somehow, feeling a little more optimistic is making the wait seem really long this time.

Kale Chips

In the spirit of trying to make myself fertile, I made some kale chips today for the first time. They're pretty easy and actually really good. You just pre-heat the oven to 350, then remove thick stems from the kale and put onto a cookie sheet. Then, you drizzle olive oil and sea salt. I also put this onion garlic seasoning. I put a little too much salt on actually. Then, you bake for 5-10 minutes until the edges are sort of brown, but not burnt. Mine only took 5 minutes. Then, you have a pretty tasty serving of a dark green leafy vegetable, which your ovaries will love.

2WW #2

I am officially back in the 2ww.  I am feeling much better about this cycle, but I want to be cautiously optimistic so that I'm not too bummed by a BFN.  I still need to see what happens with my BBT.  This morning, it was still low, but it usually takes couple of days to rise after the OPK.  If it doesn't rise by Monday, that will not be good.  It will be like a repeat of last month.

Funny thing, I had acupuncture this morning and the acupuncturist asked me how the insemination went.  I didn't really know how to respond to that.  I felt like my response was a little emotionless, I just said "I guess we'll find out in two weeks."  She seemed kind of taken aback by my lack of enthusiasm and then asked "was it not fun?"  I mean, I wasn't bothered by this, I just thought it was funny.  Does anyone find insemination fun?  I mean, it's definitely a unique experience.  I don't really know how to describe it.  For me, it was kind of emotional, but I don't know that I would say fun, but I don't need it to be fun.  I'm a lesbian, I don't associate baby making with sex, at least not for me.  I prefer it to be more like a medical procedure or inserting a tampon or something.  She did also say that based on my pulse, it seemed like something was"happening" in the reproductive area.  This gave me a little hope, although that "something happening" could have just been ovulation.

Here We Go Again

Well, the tank has arrived as has the +OPK.  The tank got here yesterday, CD11 and get this- Fedex left it outside of my building on the sidewalk!  I live in an apartment/condo building and last time, they brought it inside and left it in front of my door.  I don't know how long it was outside, but it was definitely out on the city sidewalk for anyone to take, including my drug dealing neighbors.  Sigh.  I am not going to bother complaining to Fedex because I know they will say it's my fault.  I should have been more specific.  I just don't know how you leave a 22lb tank that says "medical specimen" all over it outside on the sidewalk.

Ok, moving on.  This month, I bought those cheapie internet OPKs from Amazon, which seem to work pretty well.  The nice thing about them is that since they're so cheap, I just went ahead an tested every four hours.  This did make for an uncomfortable couple of days because it also meant holding my urine for four hours at a time, uhg.  I also still have the Clearblue digital to back up the cheapies.  So, today, Clearblue and the cheapies were negative this morning.  I did the cheapies at work- noon and 4pm, both looked clearly negative.  At 8pm, Clearblue is positive and the cheapie looks pretty positive.  I think the test line still looks a little lighter than the control line, but I don't know, I haven't used these before.  I feel pretty confident that my surge just started between 4 and 8pm.  Now, the waiting to do the insemination is a little stressful.  It's like seeing the +OPK makes me want to just go ahead and do the insemination, but I don't think I ovulate that close to the OPK and I know those frozen swimmers only live for maybe 24 hours, possibly less.  The recommendation is to do the insemination within 18 hours, which would be at like 2pm tomorrow.  I work until 5pm though and I really can't/shouldn't try to leave early.  So, I will likely do it when I get home from work.  Fridays are my most stressful day at work too, which really sucks.  Getting out of work on time is usually a major issue on a Friday.  So, my real challenge for tomorrow is going to be keeping my head in the game at work, not stressing myself out too much, and simultaneously getting out on time!

Bummer RE Conversation

I had an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appt. this morning to basically convince them to let me get blood work to test my hormone levels.  This is a new RE.  The one I saw for an initial consult back in December recently left, so I have someone new.  He is a man, strike one!  Anyway, he was not willing to order tests because he feels that since I am only 30 and have regular cycles, I am ovulating normally.  He did give in and order a Progesterone test for me, but that's it.  He does feel that given timing/OPK issues, I would be better off going a medicated/monitored route.  However, adding monitoring ultrasounds and medication would add to the cost of this.  I haven't even researched much about those options as I really don't want to go that route.  Then there's also the risk of twins, which is also not an option.  I really thought that I wouldn't have to think about medication for awhile, so I was not even prepared to have this conversation.  It's also kind of frustrating that he would expect me to take on additional financial burden and whatever risks that go along with the medication, but he won't order a simple blood test that my insurance pays for.  I definitely left there feeling a little disheartened.  However, I do believe that I have a chance at this, unmedicated.  So, I will move forward despite this guy's negative energy.

Decision Made

Deciding whether to do an at-home insemination this month or take this month off to get ready for IUI was difficult.  I knew that no matter what I decided, I would feel like I had done the wrong the thing.  At the last minute, I felt sort of panicked since it was getting down to the wire with ordering a vial or not, so I sort of panicked and just ordered a vial.  So, decision made:  I will do an at-home insemination this month.  Just as I predicted, I am totally regretting this decision.  I am not optimistic about home insemination, I am stressed about timing, I feel like I'm throwing money at my uterus, and will now have to wait even longer to move to IUI.  However, I know that if I had taken this month off, I would have been agonizing around ovulation time and I can guarantee that this month would have been one where all my fertility signals lined up perfectly if I had decided to take the month off!  So, it was basically a lose-lose situation.  I am doing a few things differently this month:  I have stopped taking a B6 supplement after having a lot of weirdness with my cycle since I started taking it.  I am doing acupuncture.  I am taking a pro-biotic supplement (again, I have done this in the past) at the recommendation of my acupuncturist.  I ordered the vial on CD1, so it really will get here on CD11.  I don't really know what to do differently with the timing.  It feels sort of out of my hands and up to the OPK.  I am also *hopefully* getting blood work this month to look at my hormone levels.  I won't have that done by the time I do the insemination, but it may help inform my decision about how to proceed next month.  Also, the donor who I am using right now will be sold out soon.  I kind of wanted to give him one more chance before I move on to another.  I mean, he does have a PhD.  So, while I don't feel great about this, I guess all I can do now is just have faith, right?

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Well, AF finally showed up today, two days late.  So, I have had to let go of the last little bit of denial I was holding onto that maybe this cycle had worked.  I have to make a decision about what I'm doing this month by tomorrow because, if I am doing an insemination this month, I need to order sperm tomorrow.  My choices are to either do another at-home insemination this month or take this month off and move to IUI next month.  Financially, I will have to take a month off in the relatively near future.  Technically, I can wait, but it's cutting it close.  I'm just torn because I don't feel overly optimistic about another at-home insemination, but I also don't feel great about taking a month off this early in.  I am doing acupuncture this month, so maybe that will help?  Also, my donor does have raw vials available again, which is good for at-home insemination.  Anyway, I have a lot of thinking and number crunching to do today.  I'm also super tired and crampy and hot, so not really the best day for decision making.

"The Support System"

This may be an example of me being incredibly overly sensitive, but I don't care.  I'm a sensitive person.  Hell, it's my job to be sensitive, literally (I'm a social worker).  There's a line of questioning that I have come to despise on this adventure:  the questioning around... do I have an adequate support system?...who is in my support system?... etc.  Here is why this bothers me:   it feels like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  I mean, someone asking me if I have adequate support just seems so benign, right?  How could I possibly take offense to that, right?  Honestly though, what is behind that question?  What does that person really want to know?  It just seems like there is some sort of judgment or concern there and they know that they best not come out with that, so they ask about the support system.  I mean, does the person honestly think that I haven't thought about this or that they're going to ask me this question and I'm going to have some sort of lightbulb moment about my need for a support system?  This question has mostly come from medical professionals.  I know I've said this before, but when I talk to one of my medical professionals about trying to conceive, it's because I either want to have a conversation about some medical aspect of it or because I'm just disclosing it as part of what's going on with my health.  It's not because I want to talk with them about my potential life as a single mother.  Maybe that's not fair, but I have never seen my doctors as part of my support system.  I'm young and I'm healthy, so my doctors see me for about 15 minutes a year and would have no idea who I am if they passed me on the street.  When a couple comes in to their office and tells them that they are trying to conceive, do they get questioned about their support system?  To me, this is just a politically correct way for someone to raise a question about my desired family structure.  Someday, someone is going to ask me on the wrong day.

The First BFN

Well, I got home from work last night and the pregnancy tests I ordered from Amazon were waiting for me.  I didn't think they would be here until Wednesday, so I was hoping I had two more days of denial ahead of me!  I have taken three tests, all mockingly negative.  AF is not due until Friday.  I almost wish it were sooner so that I wouldn't hold on to some false hope of a false negative.  This was certainly not a surprise given the timing issues that I had this month.  I went into this whole thing pretty prepared that I would likely need to try several times.  So, I'm not too disappointed, but at the same time, it also feels like a whole lot of effort to put into something to not have it work.  So, logically, I know I need to be prepared that this could take awhile, but emotionally, I'm really hoping that it doesn't take that long!

Given the emotional toll of this cycle, I am considering moving to IUI sooner.  By "emotional toll," I'm mainly referring to the stress around timing.  Looking back on this cycle, I really don't know what I could have done differently.  I mean, it looks like I got a +OPK days before actually ovulating, but that's the kind of thing that I can see afterward, but not during.  So, when the +OPK rolls around this month, I will have no way of knowing when I am actually going to ovulate.  So, I'm just going with what the books tell me to do I guess.  So, I'm considering doing one more at-home cycle and then moving to IUI.  I'm trying to figure out the details, mostly financial, but I do need to make a decision by the time AF comes, since that's when I would need to order sperm.  Stay tuned.

Checking in 12DPO

I guess I'm 12dpo today (days past ovulation), based on when I had my +OPK and insemination.  Really though, if I look at my chart, I would say I ovulated on day 14 or 15, which would make me more like 7 or 8dpo and Fertility Friend (app that helps you track your fertility) says that I am 6dpo based on my BBT.  If I did ovulate on day 14/15 or 17 (like FF thinks I did), it probably wouldn't matter what dpo I am anyway because the sperm would likely have been dead by then.  *As a side note, wouldn't it be awesome if I could say that my iphone had a hand in helping me get pregnant?*
Anyway, I could technically do a pregnancy test at this point if I wanted to.  I'm holding out though because I am just not ready for a BFN (big fat negative).  Also, I don't want to waste the money on pregnancy tests at this point because if they are in my home, I will pee on them.  I did order a bunch of internet cheapies just to have on hand, but I don't think they'll be here until later next week, by which time AF will be due anyway.

Of course, I have been scanning my body constantly for pregnancy symptoms.  I can't really say that I've had any.  I do know that many people do not have symptoms in the 2ww even if they are pregnant.  I have been a bit tired, but that could easily be because it is ridiculously hot and I am in desperate need of a vacation.  I did have some crazy twitching in the ovary area several days ago, but that could have been my ovary trying to ovulate.  It was crazy though, I could actually see it!  Sadly, my boobs do not hurt and do not seem different in any way.  It's a very odd place to be in; wanting breast pain and nausea.

I did my first acupuncture treatment today, which was really awesome.  I just left feeling so good.  I am super grateful to have found a place that does sliding scale acupuncture, so I will be do it ongoing.  They recommended coming every week for one cycle and then the day before insemination.

On another note, I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I want to proceed moving forward and may change up my plans a little bit.  More on that later.

Am I really this Crazy?

Here is a list of things that I have googled in the past 48 hours, just to shed some light on the level of crazy that has set in:

• No BBT rise
• BBT falling after ovulation
• Low post ovulation temps
• Cause of low BBT
• Symptoms of Hypothyroidism
• How long can frozen sperm live in fallopian tubes?
• What does implantation feel like?
• Ovarian twitching
• Lower than normal BBT after TTC
• Anovulatory cycle
• Anovulatory cycle chart examples
• Ectopic pregnancy symptoms
• Ectopic pregnancy BBT
• B6 effect on BBT
• Earliest signs of pregnancy
• Signs of pregnancy before missed period
• Rachel Maddow

I also called the RE to pretty much beg them to do hormone tests, saying that I don't think I'm ovulating.  To be fair, I feel like this is a reasonable request.  My RE wanted me to take a "wait and see approach," which, at first, I was ok with, but now, I'm feeling like this is a pretty expensive "wait and see."  The blood tests that I want are covered by my insurance, so it seems logical to me to just get them.  Of course, I can't get them without an office visit, so it's going to be awhile...

In the mean time, I wait...

Obsessing

So, I think I might be having an anovulatory cycle.  I don't know for sure and I know I shouldn't obsess  about it, but it's kind of hard not to.  This cycle has just been kind of messed up; I had that early +OPK, but then my BBT is still low a week later.  Overall, I am not feeling optimistic.  I really wasn't expecting that I would get pregnant with the first unmedicated at-home insemination with frozen sperm.  However, I wasn't expected that I wouldn't ovulate either!  I think that's what's really getting to me.  Of course, I really have to just wait and see if I am pregnant.  I'm thinking that I might call up the RE tomorrow and ask for some hormone tests.  They didn't think that I needed them, they had said that I could just give myself a chance to get pregnant, but it just seems like a lot of money to spend every month to "wait and see what happens."  I am going to try acupuncture.  I found a community acupuncture place near me that works on a sliding scale.  So, basically, I am just really bummed that my body seems to not be cooperating and I have spent way too much time googling.

Officially in 2WW

Well, Fedex finally arrived!

The teeny tiny vial of swimmers came in this huge shipper!  I have to put this thing outside of my door to be picked up by Fedex and my neighbors are totally going to see it!!!  It has stickers on it that say "reproductive technologies!"

So, the deed is done!  There are hopefully 25 million motile swimmers making their way to an egg.   I'm still not feeling great about the timing, but what can I do?  I'll see what comes of this month and have a plan in place for better timing next month.  

Waiting for Fedex

I have today off from work and I am literally sitting here waiting for Fedex.  It's like watching grass grow.  It occurred to me yesterday that I don't get any tracking number for the sperm.  It's just kind of funny because I order my cat's food online and get a tracking number for Fedex by email every month.  So, I am able to track my cat's food, but not a liquid nitrogen tank of sperm.  Hmmm.

Timing is Everything

I'm trying not to freak out, but I may have completely messed up my timing this month.  I had ordered the sperm to arrive on CD11.  Over the past six months of fertility monitoring, there was one month where I got a +OPK on CD11, but I have mostly been getting them later into the cycle.  Then, this month, AF came one day earlier than usual.  So, that made the tank delivery day CD12 instead of CD11.  I probably should have called to change it, but I thought there would be a fee (although today I realized that is just if you change your order on the shipment day) and I don't know, I thought it would be ok.  If anything, I was more worried about getting a +OPK too late and the tank thawing out or being overdue.  Anyway, here we are CD11, sperm is due to get here tomorrow and I had a +OPK this morning.  The recommendation is to do the insemination within 18 hours of a +OPK, which would be tonight.  I don't even know what time my tank will be delivered tomorrow.  Needless to say, I am totally kicking myself for this.  I need to do some thinking about either a. tweaking the timing of the delivery for next month or b. moving on to IUI at the hospital where this wouldn't be an issue.  Or, maybe I should spend today looking for an eligible gentleman and experiment with heterosexuality.

2WW Distractions

It's CD 9 and I have resumed OPKs!  I should be in the 2WW (two week wait) by the end of this week.    I'm thinking that I should some up with a list of potential distractions for those two weeks, even though I know that will probably fail miserably, but it's worth a try, right?  Here's what I have so far:

• I'm reading a book (a textbook, basically) for work, which I have actually been able to focus on pretty well.  In the event that I finish that book, I have the next one lined up.
• I had started reading Drift, by Rachel Maddow and then put it down to pick up the above textbook, so I can figure out how to do my job better.  So, I would like to pick up Drift again.  In the event that I finish that, I have a few choices for my next non-work related book.
• I'm not big into watching TV, but it is a great distraction, so I'm planning on watching Rachel Maddow (which I do now anyway) and the The Daily Show every night.  I need to find a TV series, like one that's been on for awhile, so I can watch multiple episodes on either Netflix or Hulu.  If all else fails, there's always Law & Order SVU.
• Since I could potentially become pregnant and am trying to eat healthy, I'm thinking that I should work on cooking up some yummy, healthy, summer meals.
• I am going to try to go to 1-2 yoga classes a week, but nothing too crazy strenuous.  No "core yoga" for me in this heat thank you very much.
• I am going to try to bike to the beach on the weekends.
• I should probably try to find someone to go to the July 4th fireworks with.
• I do have a friend coming from out of town on July 6th.
• Obviously, I am working during these two weeks, so that is at least some distraction during the day.

I am definitely open to suggestions on this topic, especially TV and book recommendations!

Checking In

Well, it's CD 6 and I am anxiously awaiting next week!  I re-started BBT today, which I don't think is going to be useful at all this cycle.  I am not sleeping well with the heat and with a sinus infection, so I think my temp is going to be all over the place.  It was higher this morning than it usually is this part of the cycle, but I really didn't sleep well.  I have been feeling pretty crappy physically this week.  I had AF, caffeine withdrawal, and a sinus infection all at the same time.  My sinus infection is a little better today, but still here.  I'm still feeling the caffeine withdrawal and now it's like 95 degrees and I don't have AC.  So, basically, I am exhausted.  Amazingly though, I am in a pretty good mood.  What it comes down to is that I feel like crap, but I really can't wait to be a mom.

Donor Drama

So, I'm cruising my sperm bank's website, you know, since I have nothing better to do with my time and I notice that my donor is temporarily sold out!!!!   WTF?!  This doesn't affect me this month, but if I need to order again next month (meaning I'm not pregnant), I may have to pick another donor!  It's tough because there are only like 4-5 donors that have "raw" samples available, so I would probably have to use an IUI vial for at home insem.  I am crossing my fingers that this guy will be available again in a month if I need to order again, uhg.

CD1

Yes!  AF has arrived, so I am finally in the TTC cycle!!!  Of course, this is actually one day earlier than usual, so now I'm questioning the timing of the arrival of the sperm, but it's too late to change it now without having to pay another $75.  I don't know, it should be fine.  Schedule of events:

AF should be hanging around until Monday.  Then, I can resume temp charting, which I now despise.  I'll start OPK's (ovulation predictor kits) probably by next weekend.  Then, the sperm will be here on the 26th, which is CD12, which was supposed to be CD11.  I don't usually get a + OPK until CD14 or 15 though, so that's why I think it will be ok, but the first month that I charted I did get a + OPK on day 11.  Uhg.  So, I should be doing the insemination at the very end of June, like the 29th or 30th.  Then, I should know if it worked the weekend of July 14th/15th.  I don't know what that's going to be like for me because my sister and brother-in-law are supposed to be here that weekend.  So, waiting is obviously a major theme here.  I've waited for awhile to try.  Now, it's wait for AF to be over...wait for a +OPK...wait for two weeks to find out...

Realistically, this is my first try with at-home insemination and frozen sperm; the chances are not great.  So, I'm trying not to get too excited and just assume that this will be the first of probably several tries.  I don't want to assume that it absolutely won't work though, otherwise why would I be doing it?

If by some miracle this does work, I think my due date will be March 22nd (if you go by CD1).

Coffee Quit Date

This needs to be my last cup of coffee for a long time. God give me strength.

Waiting for AF

Aunt Flo.  I have to admit, I feel like such a tool using the TTC acronyms, but some of them are just more convenient.  Basically, I am too lazy to write out "trying to conceive" over and over.  So, AF in the TTC community, stands for Aunt Flo.  Personally, I've kind of liked "Aunt Flo" over "period," but I don't usually use it since it's not 1994 and I'm not at Girl Scout sleep-away camp.  Anyway, so AF should be here Saturday.  For once, I am looking forward to it because that will put me into the cycle where I am going to TTC!  Yet, I am also having the worst PMS of all time; I want to go back to bed, I don't want to go to work, I want to eat chocolate, drink wine, and watch Rachel Maddow.  Nothing is worse for PMS by the way, than Rachel Maddow having a day off.  I mean, when I am cranky, I need to know that I can turn my computer on and watch The Rachel Maddow Show from the night before with her as the host, not that other guy. Is that too much to ask?!?!?!  What's pretty scary too is that I am also weaning down on caffeine.  So, PMS and caffeine withdrawal...things could get ugly.  The icing on the cake though is that at some point this month, I am going to have to back off of allergy medication, at least leading up to and through ovulation.  Apparently, allergy meds can interfere with fertility.  I won't go into all of the details of that, but feel free to google it if you're curious as to why.  My allergies have been beastly lately.  So, that's going to be another layer of ugly.  Anyway, things are about to get crazy here and this blog is about to get TMI (that stands for Too Much Information).  So, feel free to back away slowly.

Coming Out...In More Ways Than One.

This is long, but is just something that I need to get off my chest.

Over the past year-and-half or so, I have been "coming out," so to speak, to various people in my life about my plans to TTC.  I've told my parents, my sister, a few friends, a couple of co-workers/friends, two gynecologists, my cats, and probably a couple of other people.  The reactions have varied from supportive, to unsupportive, and some in between.  I can't help but comparing this to my experience coming out as a lesbian and I have to say, I am finding that coming out about my desire to be a mother and do it on my own, has actually been more difficult for me than coming out as a lesbian.

To be fair, coming out as a lesbian was really done under ideal circumstances for me.  I know that not everyone has it so easy.  For me, it was already 2001.  I was 19 and attending a very liberal women's college where I was in good company.  So, I felt like I had the support of the entire campus.  The one or two friends who I had left from high school were also supportive.  My parents had already suspected it for a few years, so while they were not thrilled, they were not shocked either.  My parents are not particularly conservative or religious, so we didn't have those issues.  My sister was/is very supportive.  I didn't come out to my extended family, but this was mostly because we're not close.  I wouldn't really tell them anything personal about myself.  I will say that I never told my maternal grandparents and I know that they would disapprove if they knew and that that would hurt me.  I have such nice childhood memories of them that I suppose I just wanted to end on that note (not to be morbid), rather than have them go out of this world disapproving of me or not on speaking terms with me.  Overall though, I didn't experience any real negative reactions to coming out.  I don't want to down-play this;  coming out as a lesbian is a big deal.  I don't want to say that it was easy for me, but it could have been a lot worse.  In a lot of ways, it actually felt pretty empowering to come out.

Interestingly, I do feel that I have basically gone back into that proverbial closet since I graduated from college.  This was not intentional, just something that happened.  What happened after college is basically that I have become chronically single.  The weird thing about being single and a lesbian is that, while it doesn't really make you less gay, it does make you less visible.  My sexual orientation just doesn't come up naturally in conversation the way that it might if I had a partner to refer to.  Sometimes, I just don't know what to say;  "Oh hey co-worker, just so you know, I am single, but if I were dating someone, it would be a woman.  Just so you know, ok?"  However, as I've gotten closer to moving forward with my plans to TTC, I have actually found myself having to come out as a lesbian all over again.  I guess my fear is that if being single has sent me back in the closet, being a single mother is going to lock the closet door and put a dead bolt on it.  So, before that happens, I am literally reminding people that I am a lesbian and coming out to people in my life who do not know.  Another reason that I'm doing this though, is because I do intend to be out to my child.  I don't want to have a baby, have everyone forget that I'm queer, have it "not come up in conversation" with my own child, and then shock them later on.  I suppose I also want to practice having confidence about it before having a baby.  I don't want them picking up on some internalized homophobia I have or something.  So, here I am, coming out again, on a smaller scale I suppose.

Coming out and telling people about my plans to become a single mother by choice has been a different animal.  I think that my family and some of my friends have known for a few years that I would eventually pursue motherhood on my own if I didn't meet anyone, but it's been more recently that I have been telling people in a more deliberate way that I have an actual plan and an actual timeline.  Telling people that I am planning on doing this has been important to me for a a few reasons.  For starters, I suppose I do want to know who is going to be supportive and who is not.  I am working on "building my village" and I guess I want a sense of who might be in that village.  I also don't really want to shock people with "guess what, I'm pregnant."  A bigger reason though, is really that I want to share my excitement with others.  In terms of "support," I don't feel like I need anything from anyone else, at least not at this stage in the game, but I do feel like I need others to be excited with me.  I've grown accustomed to dealing with "problems" on my own, but to feel so excited and happy about something and have to keep that to myself was just not realistic for me.

This deliberate "coming out" process started in the fall of 2010.  The first person who I disclosed my plans to was my gynecologist.  I wanted to have a conversation about my reproductive health.  Her response was "but, aren't you single?"  When I said yes, she asked "and aren't you a social worker?"  When I confirmed that, she said "oh honey, you'll never be able to raise a baby on a social worker's salary."  That was the end of that conversation.  She actually would not discuss it any further with me.  Needless to say, the next time I was up for my annual, I saw a new gyn.  The next one seemed to know better than to say anything, but I do think that she had a tone about it.  She also wouldn't have a conversation with me about TTC; she just referred me to Reproductive Endocrinology.

Then, there's my family.  I'm sure that my parents will be very supportive of a real, live, grandchild.  However, at the moment, they seem less than enthusiastic.  It's not something that they'll get into with me.  This has just turned into something that we don't talk about.  My sister, who was probably the most supportive person when I came out as a lesbian, is now the least supportive person about my plans to TTC.  I think that a lot of this has to do with her own family planning.  She doesn't want me having a baby before she does.  So, we also don't talk about it.  My extended family doesn't know, for the same reasons that I didn't come out to them as a lesbian.  The weird thing for me about the rest of the family though, is that I can't really hide a baby the way I can hide my sexual orientation.  My maternal grandparents, who are still alive and well, will know if I get pregnant and have a baby.  So, I don't know what kind of note we're going to end on.

My friends have definitely been more supportive than my family.  However, there have definitely been some who have also seemed sort of disapproving.  I don't know what it is really because most people won't say anything to me directly.  People might wonder how I'll do this on my own, how I'll afford it, wonder why I don't wait longer, I don't know.  It doesn't feel great though.  I have my own fears about motherhood and can't help but question myself when I feel like others are silently questioning this decision.

What's been really weird for me recently though, is that the people who have seemed unenthusiastic or disapproving, actually seem to have developed some sort of amnesia, meaning they seem to have either forgotten that I ever told them of my plans to TTC, or maybe they just refuse to acknowledge it.  Either way, I feel like, "ok, I put myself out there, made myself vulnerable, told you this big thing, and now we're going to pretend it's not happening?"  I mean, I don't know what I expect.  I don't expect to be having super regular conversations about my plans with everyone, but it's awkward for me when the other person seems to have this amnesia.  I'll give you an example:  My sister was here for a visit this weekend.  When we were getting ready for bed, I made up my bed for her and the couch for me.  She goes "So, when are you going to get the guest room set up?"  I live in a two bedroom condo that I bought in November.  I left the second bedroom empty because I figured it was going to be more trouble for me to set it up as an office, craft room, guest room, whatever, and then have to dismantle all of that to turn it into a baby's room.  Maybe I'm being overly sensitive here, but I had numerous conversations with my sister about my plans before realizing that she has such a problem with it.  I showed her the donor profiles and donor baby pictures.  I told her what my timeline is.  So, are we really going to pretend that the extra bedroom is a guest room?    It would be like, if I came out as a lesbian and people were still trying to set me up with men.

I guess the real underlying issue here, is that since I do have my own fears about doing this, other people's lack of confidence in my ability to do this just seems very loud, even though I do have friends who are very supportive.  I also find myself now feeling a little embarrassed about my plans, which is weird.  It's hard to describe.  I guess I just feel like I'm doing something socially unacceptable and with some of the responses that I've gotten from others, you would think that I'm a teenager telling people I want to have a baby instead of a 30-year-old, educated, woman.

I think this post might sound a little more negative than I intended it to.  These are just some things that I've been thinking about lately.  Overall, I am still really excited about moving forward with my plans.  It just seems sort of strange to me that I would meet such resistance around it.  While I do have fears about it, I also feel confident that I will do whatever it takes to make life as a single, queer, mother work.  It's not like I would try to send the baby back!  It's just sort of an interesting place to be at the moment:  coming out about my plans to TTC as a single person while also reasserting my queerness.  As far as coming out about TTC, I am also aware that while it feels like I have told a lot of people, that number is actually pretty small compared to the number of people I will have to be "out" to if I actually get pregnant.  So, I suppose this is also a good opportunity practice having some confidence about this.  More to come about the "coming out" process as it unfolds.

I Own Sperm

I bought my first vial of sperm today!  For the time being, I am just ordering one vial at a time.  In reality, it would probably be better to do two inseminations per cycle, but this stuff ain't cheap, so I'm starting with one and I will see how that goes.  This one vial actually comes with a guarantee of 25 million motile sperm.  It's so crazy to think that you could put 25 million sperm into your body and not get pregnant, but it happens all the time.  In fact, 25 million is actually not that many.  I think it's supposed to be like 300 million when heterosexual humans mate.

On separate note, I had a last minute change of heart regarding the donor and switched to one of my other choices.  This happened for a few reasons:

1.  I had a paranoid freak-out regarding a blood type issue.  Apparently, there is a miniscule possibility of ABO blood type incompatibility if a mom as O blood type, which I do, and a baby has A or B blood.  My first donor choice, the blonde, is A+, meaning that the baby could be A+.  For this incompatibility thing to happen though, the blood would have to somehow mix and even then, it's pretty rare actually. The risk is that the baby could be born with jaundice, which could be mild, but there have been more severe cases.  Obviously, people do not mate based on blood type, so it's not really a thing to worry about.  Like I said, paranoid freak-out.  I probably should not reproduce.
So, I'm letting the blood type issue go, but my second donor choice is O+ like me, so I'm considering that an added benefit.

2.  Since I am now starting with a home insemination, my second donor choice has "unwashed" vials available, which is better for home insemination.  My first donor choice has only "washed" vials available, which can be used at home, but are meant for intrauterine insemination.  A "washed" vial for IUI means that the sperm has been separated from the seminal (gross) fluid, in order to go directly into the uterus.  An "unwashed" vial contains 25 million motile sperm, at least with the sperm bank I am using, whereas a "washed" vial is more like 10 million.  Sounds like a better bet to me.

3.  I am still conflicted over anonymous vs. "willing to be known."  Donor choice number two is WTBK whereas choice number one is anonymous.  Realistically, I know I should probably go with WTBK and let my kid decide when they are 18.

I can't say that I won't switch donors again because a lot of it depends on vial availability, but for now a choice has been made...again.

As far as the new donor goes, he looks pretty cute in his childhood photo.  He is a smarty pants, PhD.  He sounds like a genuinely nice guy in his responses.  He has a clean (according to him) health history. What more can I ask for?

So, my 25 million motile sperm will arrive 6/26, hopefully for a meet-up with an egg later that week.

May/June To-Do List Update

I've already reported on some of this, but to summarize, May was a fairly productive month:

1.  I paid off the last of my credit card balance, yessssss!!!!!  Let's see if I can maintain that now!
2.  I saved the majority of a down payment for a car, because, you know, I can't wait to be a regular driver.
3.  I kicked my roommate out and disinfected that room.
4.  I officially made a donor choice.
5.  I've been trying to keep up with leading a fertile lifestyle.

Not too shabby.  Now, on to June:

1.  I need to put a little more money into savings and keep working on being financially disciplined.  Speaking of which:
2.  I need to cut back on Starbucks.  Actually, I should cut back on coffee altogether.  I had totally given it up a few months ago, but then relapsed.  I know that you can have like 200mg of caffeine when pregnant, but I don't know, it's a slippery slope for me.  One cup really just makes me want another.
3.  I must eat more vegetables, but this should be easier with Farmer's Market.
4.  Most importantly, this will *hopefully* be the month I start TTC!!!

A Donor has been Chosen

I have decided on a donor to start with.  I don't want to get my heart too set on him in case he gets sold out or some sort of problem arises.  Also, if it takes awhile to get pregnant, I may end up switching donors, but for now, a choice has been made!  I showed the baby pics of my donor choices to some of my friends, so for those of you who have seen them, I went with the blonde.  I ended up going with an anonymous donor, mostly because I just couldn't find one who meets all of my other criteria among the "willing to be known's."  Overall, I feel like I made the right choice though.  So, let's just keep fingers crossed that he doesn't get sold out anytime soon!

Baby's Room

This photo will not mean anything to anyone except for me, but this is a view that I am extremely grateful for: future baby's room free of my roommate's clutter. I am still working on cleaning it. I am on my way to the store to pick up some sage!

Officially Debt Free

Today, I have accomplished a major to-do list item:  I paid off my credit card!  I never had a ton of credit card debt, but there was awhile where I carried more of a balance then I would have liked and other things kept having to take priority.  So, yes, officially debt free (not counting my mortgage, lol).  I'm also making a serious effort to be more financially disciplined.  We'll see how it goes.

In other good news, my roommate has moved out.  This weekend I will be conducting the most massive OCD cleaning project of my life.  I already have an air filter going in the room he was occupying.

Biking Season is Upon Us!

In the spirit of the "summer bucket list," I took a nice long bike ride this past weekend. This is one of the things I can't wait to share with my future child!

Happy Mother's Day

I am hoping that this will be my last childless Mother's Day.  I'm not really feeling the burn of this holiday this year.  Mostly, I am just hopeful to start ttc soon.  However, I can't help but think about what it's like for people struggling to get pregnant, queer couples who have to go through so much to have a child in their life, people struggling with the adoption process, etc.  I think many people take it for granted how lucky they are to just be able to get pregnant on their own without paying obscene amounts of money or having to justify their reasons for wanting to be a parent to anyone.

Let the Cleansing Begin

Many people know that I have had the most awful roommate situation for the past couple of months.  Basically this co-worker of mine, who was sort of a friend at the time, moved in with me in March.  I was under the assumption that he was planning to pay rent and he was under the assumption that he could stay here for free.  Obviously, this is partly my fault because I should have hammered out the details with him first, but who would assume that they could live with someone for free?  Looking back on it, I had tried to talk to him about the logistics a few times before he moved in, but he acted like he was too busy and overwhelmed with his partner moving to discuss moving in with me.  So, I've been feeling really taken advantage of by him.  I did eventually confront him about the rent, but honestly, I lost all respect for him in that conversation.  He actually told me that he had asked me how much I wanted for rent and that I told him he could just stay here.  I swear, this conversation never happened and I am uncomfortable with a liar.  In addition, he's pretty dirty.  His room (my future baby's room) smells really bad.  Nobody is going to get away with farting (or whatever he does) in my baby's room.  He also talks constant sh*t about how stupid social workers are (I am a social worker).  The worst though, is that ever since the rent conversation, things have been really tense between us, meaning we barely speak.  He has tried to be superficially friendly, but I have a limited capacity to fake my feelings.

That's the background, to get to the point of my story:  I woke up this morning just feeling like some kind of doormat.  It's not just this situation, but it's been a general theme lately.  I don't know if I've been putting some kind of energy out into the universe, making people feel like it's ok to walk all over me or what.  So, I just lost it.  I sent him a text message (he's not here this weekend) and told him that he needs to be out by Memorial Day weekend.  He responded "ok."  I imagine he might leave sooner, but my gosh, I cannot imagine how tense it will be between now and whenever he leaves.  Overall, I just need this though because I can't keep feeling this tense.  I want to just enjoy this summer.  Also, I really need him gone if I move up my ttc timeline.  He was supposed to leave by August anyway, but I feel like I can't even leave town with him here because I don't trust him to be here alone.  So, hopefully within the next two weeks, he will be gone.  Then, my task will be to get the smell out of future baby's room.

I intend to be more careful about this type of thing in the future.  I won't tolerate being taken advantage of, especially with a child.  I want them to grow up knowing a strong, capable mother, who doesn't take this kind of bullsh*t from anyone.  So, I'm setting all kinds of boundaries with people and I understand that that will not be received well by everyone, but frankly, that's just too f**king bad.

Sorry for the language, by the way.

Summer Bucket List

I got the idea that it might be good for me to plan for some fun summer activities to pass the time and distract myself, even though my timeline is a little up in the air at the moment.  I want to make sure to enjoy the summer, especially because next summer, I could be pregnant, have a newborn, or be insane from dealing with an unsuccessful ttc process.  At the same time, I can't do too much, since I am trying to save money.  So, I've identified a couple of must-do summer activities and am still trying to think of other possibilities:

1.  I am going to see Sarah McLachlan perform with the Vermont Symphony Orchestra.  I worshipped Sarah in high school and have never seen her live!  I figured it's a good opportunity to get one last concert in before I need to hire a baby-sitter for a night out.

2.  I am planning to spend as much time biking to the beach as I can this summer.  This is an activity I would certainly do with a kid, but pregnant or newborn...likely something that could get skipped altogether next summer.

3.  The stars have aligned and there is a yoga-on-the-lake class that fits with my work schedule, so I am planning to go to that every week if possible.

4.  I am planning to go to Philly for a long weekend.  I lived there for six years and have not been back since I moved to Vermont two years ago!

5.  I have considered doing this zipline in the mountains, but it's a little pricey, so I have to think about it.

I'm not sure what else at the moment, but I definitely want to make the most of this summer, especially since summers are so short here!

At Home vs. Clinic

Throughout this whole process, I have assumed that I would just go straight to a clinic for the inseminations. I thought it just made sense, since the success rates are higher.  There have been a few times when the thought of starting at home crossed my mind, but I've mostly remained committed to going straight to clinic.  Now, I'm not so sure.  There are a couple of things that appeal to me about starting at home.  The first, is just the privacy of it; not wanting all the bright lights, stirrups, etc.  The second is that I don't know that I fully trust the RE team here.  It seems like their protocols are pretty standardized and rigid, which I guess is the norm for REs, but still.  I don't know that their protocols will necessarily work for my body.  I also don't know that they're as invested in me getting pregnant as I am.  I haven't really had a ton of contact with them though, so maybe I'm being unfair.  I did my initial consultations and they didn't feel that I needed any sort of testing, so they don't need to see me again until I'm ready to start.
The third reason is that I could technically start sooner than August.  I've been working on finishing up my pre-ttc financial goals, all of which should be done by June.  I was waiting until August because the up-front cost with going to the clinic was going to be more.

So, it seems a little crazy, but there is a possibility that I could start next month.  I haven't officially made up my mind though.  There are some logistics to consider with the at-home inseminations.  There's also the fact that I still have a roommate living with me, but maybe a sperm tank in the living room would encourage him to move on.  I also sort of feel like I'm rushing things due to my impatience and don't know that's the best idea, but it's really only eight weeks prior to when I planned to start, so......

We shall see.