Checking in 6dpo

Yeah, I'm definitely going crazy.  This 2ww just seems so long.  I know that implantation likely would not have occurred yet, so I should not be having symptoms, but the lack of symptoms drives me nuts.  It's so bizarre.  I do feel really bloated, but I might just a little fat.  I've been having a lot of twinges and my pelvic region just feels kind of sore, like I have been exercising, which I haven't, but I think it's very possible for these symptoms to be psychosomatic.  Another weird thing:  my jaw is killing me.  It's like I've suddenly developed TMJ.  I'm probably just stressed and grinding my teeth.  I don't think jaw pain is a pregnancy symptom anyway.  So, overall, I don't feel much different, which is driving me insane, despite knowing that I should not feel different.  Ahhhhh!!!!!

I haven't decided when to start testing.  I am definitely guilty of peeing on a stick very early.  The last two times, I started around 8dpo, knowing that it would be negative even if it would eventually become a positive.  I'm not feeling the urge yet, mostly because I do not want to see a negative.  So, I might aim for around 10dpo, which would be Sunday.  My parents will be here this weekend, so that should be interesting.  I'm almost wondering if I should wait until they leave because I don't want to be feeling all bummy around them, but at 10dpo even with a negative, I will likely hold onto hope until AF shows up.  I will also be on vacation from work next week.  I'm not sure if that's going to be good or bad honestly.

I just want off this crazy train!

32 Million Motile

I had my first IUI today and am back in the 2ww!  I'm hoping 3rd time's a charm?  I was actually super emotional about it last night.  I have this playlist on my ipod titled "Baby's Introduction to Good Music," where I've basically collected songs over the past few years for my future baby.  It's some children's songs, some songs about childhood, etc.  So, I was listening to songs from this playlist last night, on the way to the IUI this morning, and on the way home to basically get the Oxytocin flowing.  The songs are rather emotional for me, so basically, I've been a sobbing, but happy, emotional mess for the past 24 hours.

The IUI itself went pretty well.  It was quick and painless.  The best news is that my donor's counts were amazing, just like the sperm bank said they would be.  The vial was 107 million with 59% motility, which the Andrologist said translates to 32 million motile.  For IUI vials, they are looking for at least 10 million.  She said the sample actually looked like a fresh sample.  So, I am really grateful to have picked out this super sperm!  

Now, my task is to not drive myself insane over the next two weeks!

  

Gearing Up!

Ok!  IUI #1 is tomorrow morning at 9:30!!!  I am proud of myself for really narrowing down my surge, as if this some great skill.  I have gotten kind of crazy with the OPKs.  I have been testing every four hours during my peak days.  I also use two different OPKs.  I mostly use cheap ones off of Amazon, but then I do at least two Clearblue Easy during my peak days.  Both of my OPKs were negative at 6:30am and positive at 10:30am.  So, my IUI tomorrow will be right around the 24 hour mark.  I am hoping these sperm can live for awhile in the event that ovulation takes a little longer than 36 hours, which I fear that it might.  It seems unclear how long frozen sperm can really live.  I've heard that it's around 12 hours for IUI sperm, but I'm going to cross my fingers that my fallopian tubes can keep them going for longer if needed.  I am super psyched, but also trying not to be too excited!

Vacillating Between Optimism and Pessimism

I'm sitting here in the empty second bedroom with my tank, mentally preparing for my first IUI this week.  I've been feeling pretty optimistic about it to the point of really feeling like "this is it...it's happening this month...I am having a baby in May."  I have spent quite a bit of time on the internet researching baby products, OB providers, baby names, etc., etc., etc.  It's not like I haven't been doing this for years, but this time, it feels like I'm researching these things for real, if that makes sense.  However, I'm almost worried that I'm setting myself up for a harsh BFN.  So, I'm trying to talk myself down to a more cautious form of optimism.  I think it's the transition from home inseminations to IUI that is to blame for this.  There's a part of me thinking "oh, IUI will definitely work," but I have to remember that IUI is not a sure thing.

On the other hand, I've also found myself starting to think about the whole "what if this doesn't work?" scenario.  So, I'm asking myself questions like: "How many IUIs am I willing to do?  Am I willing to consider medication?  At what point?  What about IVF?  How long would it take me to save up for IVF?  What about adoption?  Child-free living?  At what point do I give up?"  Ahhhh!!!!  Realistically, I know that I need to sort of take things one month at time right now, but these questions are definitely in the back of my mind.  I feel like my summer has basically been spent TTC, which is fine, but it's kind of hard to think about spending the next year or few years or basically my 30's trying to have a baby.  I don't know how people have the stamina to TTC on a long-term basis.  In reality, I know that I'm in this for as long as it takes, but I sure hope it doesn't take that long!

So, I'm CD9 and now in the OPK race.  Monday morning, I take my tank up to the hospital.  I'll probably be going in for the IUI on Thursday or Friday.

It's Baaaaaaack......

I have to take this thing to the RE at the main hospital here Monday morning and hope I don't see anyone I know. I can only imagine what my neighbors must think at this point! I am seriously hoping that this is my last tank delivery.

Moving on to IUI

Yeah, so I'm not pregnant.  That spotting was the arrival of early AF.  I'm actually fine with it, it's just kind of funny to me how I will convince myself that I'm pregnant with every twinge during the 2ww.  I'm not even a super optimistic person by nature.

What's helped me to feel better about the BFN, is having a solid plan for this month, which I do feel more optimistic about.  I'm definitely moving on to IUI.  I'm glad that I started with the at-home inseminations;  I just needed that privacy.  However, I don't have the patience to keep doing them.  I can see how having life divided into two week increments can become exhausting.  I'm doing ok with it so far, but it's only been two cycles.  I don't think it will take too many more before I start getting stressed, so I want off this ttc train ASAP.  Additionally, I have enjoyed the lower cost of at-home inseminations, but if I have to do more of them to get pregnant, it seems like it might end up being just as expensive.  I do also have a concern, which I think I said in a previous post, that if there is a fertility issue, the RE is not going to be investigating that until after some failed IUIs.  I could go to him and say that I've had 10 failed at-home inseminations and he would probably just tell me that I need to do IUI.

Moving on to IUI also means switching donors.  The donor who I was using for at-home inseminations only has raw vials available, which can't be used for IUI.  Technically, I know I can have them washed at my RE, but it's one more cost and I don't know how that will affect the count.  More importantly though, he's almost sold out anyway.  He's super popular.  So, I moved on to one of my other donor choices, who was actually my original first choice.  For those of you who have seen the pics, this is the blonde.  Actually, I had a very strong emotional reaction to seeing his baby pic for the first time.  As soon as I saw it, I felt like "that's my baby!"  He meets all of my basic requirements, but I will admit that he is an anonymous donor.  I do feel a bit guilty about this, but I just could not find another willing-to-be-known donor who was a good fit.  There is the possibility that this donor could switch to WTBK at some point, so I will keep my fingers crossed for that.  The good thing about him being anonymous is that it makes him less popular.  It seems like he should have vials available for awhile, which is important because I may want to purchase some sibling inventory, just in case.  The really good news about this donor is that he has crazy-high sperm counts.  The vials that I ordered are about 100 million motile for an IUI vial!  To put this in context, this sperm bank guarantees 10 million motile for IUI vials.

So, the tank will be here Friday, which is a bit earlier that normal, so that I can take it to the RE for transfer a few days before the IUI.  I should be due for the IUI later in the week of August 20th!  Hopefully, 100 million motile sperm being placed directly into the uterus will do the trick!  I find myself thinking about the potential due date and astrological sign every month.  So, if this cycle works, it will be a 5/17/2013 due date, which is on the cusp of Taurus and Gemini. So, if they're a few days late, which seems common, they will be a Gemini.  It would also mean a May-August maternity leave.  Trust me, I know that maternity leave is not like a vacation, but I think I would rather spend my summer taking care of a new baby than being at work!

Implantation vs. Menstruation

I had some spotting today.  I'm 11dpo, so it's a little early for AF.  I would day 4-5 days early.  Spotting is a potential sign of implantation, so I am cautiously optimistic.  I did also have a temperature dip yesterday, which is also a sign.  Talk about an emotional roller coaster!  I cannot ever remember having an early period, but I suppose if I'm going to have one, it will be while I'm ttc!  So, I am hoping, hoping, hoping that this is implantation.  Please cross fingers and toes for me!

Checking in 8dpo

The 2ww will coming to an end soon enough.  I will admit that I have already peed on a stick, which was negative, but I know it's still too early to tell.  Overall, I do not feel pregnant, although I am aware that 1.  implantation may have no occurred yet and 2.  it is very possible, likely even, to not have symptoms in the 2ww even if one is pregnant.  So, there is still time.  I have been having really crazy, vivid dreams since I did the insemination.  This morning, it was to the point that I didn't even sleep in very late because I was tired of dreaming.  It's not like they're nightmares or anything, it's just that the dreams are so vivid and weird that it's kind of exhausting.  I haven't had this many dreams in awhile.  I also have been a bit irritable, but 1. I am prone to irritability 2.  I'm noticing that the 2nd half of my cycle tends to be laden with irritability (damn that progesterone) 3.  It has been wicked hot and 4.  I have been somewhat stressed related to work.  So, the irritability is likely not a pregnancy symptom.

Of course, I am having to think about the next step if this cycle didn't work.  I spent a long time doing the math last night.  I know that I am definitely not doing another at-home cycle.  The chances of it working are just less, even though I know that I have a reasonable chance at my age.  The bigger reason though is that if I do have any kind of fertility problem, it will not be investigated by my RE until after a number of failed IUIs.  So, I feel like I could end up wasting time and money by doing home inseminations with no information about my fertility.  I did go in for my day 21 progesterone test yesterday, so I will hopefully have those results by the end of this week, which will at least give me a clue as to whether I'm really ovulating.

So, just a few more days to go!