At this point, I am making month-by-month to-do lists to get ready to hopefully start TTC in August. Some months have been more productive than others. March was not too bad:
1. I took a couple more driving lessons and made pretty good progress, to the point that I may not need to take any more. See post below.
2. I started exercising more. I took a few long bike rides when we had nice days and I got back to yoga. I'm doing a yoga challenge right now at a local yoga studio, where you take 15 classes in 30 days and then get a free massage. I've done it before and it really helps me get back into a routine.
3. I decided on a sperm bank, registered with The Sperm Bank of California, and have been researching donors.
April may be a slow month. At this point, it's a lot about saving money. So, April is going to be working on saving, continuing to exercise, and continuing general healthy lifestyle stuff. One thing that I really need to work on is getting back to my fertility diet. I had a roommate move in this month and that has really thrown it off because he cooks and brings some food into the house. He is certainly not on a fertility diet, so there's been more refined sugar, simple carbohydrates, and non-organic foods around. I'm going to have to learn to say no to some things, lol.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Overcoming Fears
Like I've said in earlier posts, one of my big tasks, probably my biggest, before being able to TTC is that I need to overcome a serious, life long fear of driving. I would call it a phobia, actually. I was never really enthusiastic about driving. I was not one of those kids who couldn't wait to turn 16 to be able to drive. When I did learn how to drive as a teenager, the learning experience was really rather traumatic. So, I didn't feel super confident about driving. Then, I went to college and really couldn't afford a car, so I just stopped driving. I moved to Philly right after college and still couldn't afford a car at that time because I was in grad school and only working part-time. I also wasn't real keen on the idea of driving in Philly. Anyway, I have definitely been in a place where I could afford a car for the past few years, but facing the fear after all this time has been no small task. I have maintained my license this whole time. In January, I started taking lessons with this guy who is also a police officer. He is pretty tough, so the lessons have been really stressful. At times, I started to think that I just wasn't going to be able to do it. Yesterday, he told me that he thinks that I am capable of driving on my own and that I don't need any more lessons. It was like, hearing him say that, I felt years of this neurotic fear just melt away. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll be driving cross-country or anything, but for the first time, I am actually kind of excited about driving. This whole experience has also got me thinking about how important it is to not instill a sense of fear in children. I really hope that my child doesn't end up with my anxieties, but if they do, I intend to address their fears from day one.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Donor Criteria
Ok, so now that I have chosen my sperm bank, I am moving into the crazy world of choosing a donor. Since I won't be starting until this summer, I'm actually trying to choose a few donors and not get too attached to any of them in case one is sold out or reaches their family limit or something. New donors could also become available between now and the time I'm ready to start, so it's probably going to be awhile before I've officially chosen a donor. I've first had to do some thinking about what I'm looking for in a donor and here is what I have come up with (keep in mind, there is not all that much information available about donors):
1. Height and weight: it seems like most donors are of average height and weight. I believe this is one of the criteria to be a donor, so I don't have too much to think about here. I am only 5'3 and most people in my family are pretty short, so I'm trying to balance that out with a taller donor. I'm just not sure how tall is too tall. I'm thinking a max of 6'0. I don't want one who's too tall or large framed, just because I'm trying to minimize the risk of birthing a ginormous baby. I mean, I know I could still have a big baby even with a smaller donor.
2. Hair color: I don't really care that much about hair color. I have brown hair that looks to have a reddish tint at times. Most people in my family have dark hair. My sister is concerned that if I choose a blonde donor and the kid ends up being blonde, that they won't look Italian enough and they won't fit in with our family. I don't have an answer to this. If I am trying to choose a donor who looks more like me, then I guess I would need to choose one with darker hair. On the one hand, I'm not sure how important it is that my kid looks like me, on the other hand, if I'm their only parent, it might be nice for them to look more like me.
3. Eye color: this is where I am a little picky. I have blue/green eyes, so if I choose a donor with blue or green eyes, that's what my kid will have. It just feels like, if this is one thing that I can control in this process, I want that control.
4. Health: They need to have a relatively clean health history, including family health history. Of course, this is mostly self-report, so who even knows if it's accurate. It's not like my own family health history isn't full of obesity related illnesses.
5. CMV: this is actually kind of a pain. Donors have to be tested for exposure to CMV, which is a member of the herpes family. It can be sexually transmitted, but it's also transmitted via saliva or mucus. So, it's incredibly common. About 60-90% of adults have been exposed and would test positive for the antibody. So, donors can still donate, even if they're positive, but recipients (women) should only use CMV positive donor sperm if they themselves are CMV positive. A CMV infection is generally not harmful to a healthy adult, but can be fatal to a fetus. I am CMV negative. I find that when I'm looking through donor profiles, many of them are positive. So, this really narrows it down for me. On a side note, now that I think of it, I wonder what would happen if I were to be exposed to CMV some other way while pregnant. I mean, I work in a health center. I guess I should ask the RE about that.
6. Education: I'm just going to go ahead and be a total snob here. I want an educated donor. I mean, I'm not going to be one of those parents who puts a ton of pressure on their kid or anything, but I just don't want them to struggle. I must be reasonably intelligent as I have a master's degree, but I always struggled with math and science, so I'd like to try to balance that out. Of course, this is another area where it's hard to know if the donors are being honest. I don't think they need to produce transcripts or anything. Some donors do have more intelligent answers than others and I definitely pay attention to that.
7. Talent: this is not a requirement, but some musical or artistic talent would be a bonus.
8. Personality: I don't know, it's one of those nature vs. nurture kind of things and hard to tell from donor profiles anyway, but it's definitely a bonus if a donor sounds like a genuinely nice guy. Some of them definitely sound a little egotistical, but many of them are also very young (DOB: 1991?!?!) so it's hard to tell if they're just immature or a genuine asshole.
Ok, I'm probably missing some things, but these are the basics. More on the donor choices later.
1. Height and weight: it seems like most donors are of average height and weight. I believe this is one of the criteria to be a donor, so I don't have too much to think about here. I am only 5'3 and most people in my family are pretty short, so I'm trying to balance that out with a taller donor. I'm just not sure how tall is too tall. I'm thinking a max of 6'0. I don't want one who's too tall or large framed, just because I'm trying to minimize the risk of birthing a ginormous baby. I mean, I know I could still have a big baby even with a smaller donor.
2. Hair color: I don't really care that much about hair color. I have brown hair that looks to have a reddish tint at times. Most people in my family have dark hair. My sister is concerned that if I choose a blonde donor and the kid ends up being blonde, that they won't look Italian enough and they won't fit in with our family. I don't have an answer to this. If I am trying to choose a donor who looks more like me, then I guess I would need to choose one with darker hair. On the one hand, I'm not sure how important it is that my kid looks like me, on the other hand, if I'm their only parent, it might be nice for them to look more like me.
3. Eye color: this is where I am a little picky. I have blue/green eyes, so if I choose a donor with blue or green eyes, that's what my kid will have. It just feels like, if this is one thing that I can control in this process, I want that control.
4. Health: They need to have a relatively clean health history, including family health history. Of course, this is mostly self-report, so who even knows if it's accurate. It's not like my own family health history isn't full of obesity related illnesses.
5. CMV: this is actually kind of a pain. Donors have to be tested for exposure to CMV, which is a member of the herpes family. It can be sexually transmitted, but it's also transmitted via saliva or mucus. So, it's incredibly common. About 60-90% of adults have been exposed and would test positive for the antibody. So, donors can still donate, even if they're positive, but recipients (women) should only use CMV positive donor sperm if they themselves are CMV positive. A CMV infection is generally not harmful to a healthy adult, but can be fatal to a fetus. I am CMV negative. I find that when I'm looking through donor profiles, many of them are positive. So, this really narrows it down for me. On a side note, now that I think of it, I wonder what would happen if I were to be exposed to CMV some other way while pregnant. I mean, I work in a health center. I guess I should ask the RE about that.
6. Education: I'm just going to go ahead and be a total snob here. I want an educated donor. I mean, I'm not going to be one of those parents who puts a ton of pressure on their kid or anything, but I just don't want them to struggle. I must be reasonably intelligent as I have a master's degree, but I always struggled with math and science, so I'd like to try to balance that out. Of course, this is another area where it's hard to know if the donors are being honest. I don't think they need to produce transcripts or anything. Some donors do have more intelligent answers than others and I definitely pay attention to that.
7. Talent: this is not a requirement, but some musical or artistic talent would be a bonus.
8. Personality: I don't know, it's one of those nature vs. nurture kind of things and hard to tell from donor profiles anyway, but it's definitely a bonus if a donor sounds like a genuinely nice guy. Some of them definitely sound a little egotistical, but many of them are also very young (DOB: 1991?!?!) so it's hard to tell if they're just immature or a genuine asshole.
Ok, I'm probably missing some things, but these are the basics. More on the donor choices later.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Sperm Bank Update
So, after much thinking and research, I've decided to go with The Sperm Bank of California. Hopefully, that's the right decision. So, I'm sending in my registration paperwork tomorrow! Then, I just have to get my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to sign off on a form and I should be all registered within the next week or two. I have been looking at donor profiles (of course), so my next step will be to order some long donor profiles and baby pics for the ones that I'm interested in.
On another note, I got some of my "steam" back after spending some time in the Baby Gap yesterday, which a friend of mine suggested. I didn't buy anything though. I've been really good about not buying baby stuff, just in case this doesn't work. Also, at the moment, I really need my money for sperm, lol. Later on, I'm probably going to watch "The Kids Are All Right,"which will probably help with the whole "getting my steam back" issue.
On another note, I got some of my "steam" back after spending some time in the Baby Gap yesterday, which a friend of mine suggested. I didn't buy anything though. I've been really good about not buying baby stuff, just in case this doesn't work. Also, at the moment, I really need my money for sperm, lol. Later on, I'm probably going to watch "The Kids Are All Right,"which will probably help with the whole "getting my steam back" issue.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Momentary lapse
Remember a few posts ago when I said that I'm so ok with being single, but that sometimes I have these moments where I'm like "whhhyyyyy am I aloooooone?" Well, I totally had one of those this week. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to postpone motherhood and go out on a quest to find Ms. Right. I'm not doing that for all of the logical reasons that I laid out in "grieving the dream." However, I haven't been in most most logical state of mind. I think it all got triggered last weekend. I was putting away some birthday cards in this shoebox where I keep sentimental items. My OCD self decided that this box needed to be organized, so I went through everything in there and came across some notes I had kept from "ex-situations." Uhg, why did I keep those???? Most of them are so adolescent (insert Indigo Girls song here). So, of course, I read them and found myself thinking "Oh my god, no one is ever going to write me a note like this again" and then the "whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!" Quite the pity party. Oh well, I guess I better get it out now. So, after that, I've just been feeling like I've lost some steam or something and I'm trying to get it back. It probably doesn't help that I don't have that much to "work on" right now in terms of the baby planning. It's just a whole lot of waiting at the moment.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
172 Days To Go
I'm getting tired of waiting to wait. I've been agonizing over to-do lists for the past few years, trying to get my life to a place where I can support a child. Now that there's not that much time left, I feel even more impatient. I want to just race to the finish line. I really shouldn't complain though. I consider myself lucky to have a chance to even try this. So, I'm trying to be patient and enjoy this time before I start living my life in two week cycles. According to Fertility Friend (that's right, I have an app for my phone that tracks my fertility), I should ovulate around August 22nd. This may actually be pretty accurate as I have a 28 day cycle that I could set my watch to. Hopefully, it stays that way. So, that would be 172 days from now. In these next 172 days, I do have some things that I need to accomplish, which is why I'm not starting right now. So, here's what's left of my three-year-long to-do list:
1. Driving: Uhg. Most people who know me, know that I hate to drive. It's definitely a fear thing. Like any fear, the longer you avoid it, the bigger it gets. I do have a basic ability to drive and a driver's license. I have already started driving again, after avoiding it for most of my 20's, which is pretty big for me. My only motivation is my desire to be a mother. If it wasn't for that, my butt would be living in NYC right now, taking public transportation until the day I die. That's how much I hate driving. In some ways, I'm really ashamed of myself for even having such a fear and getting over it is no easy task. I have even tried hypnosis. So, I've been taking lessons as a refresher with this guy who is a cop! Let me tell you, it's intense. I've taken five so far and will probably take at least a few more. I think I'm doing ok, but I am still nervous about it. The pressure is on because if I cannot adequately conquer this fear in the next 172 days, baby will be on hold. I would just live in a major city with a baby, but my social worker salary does not stretch as far in such places.
2. Obtaining an actual car: this will not be as difficult as conquering the fear of driving. I need to save up a down payment for a decent used car. I'm a pretty good saver though. I'm hoping to have this done by June. I really hope it's a Subaru, to complete my image, but I will take what I can get.
Those are the two main things that have to happen before I can have a baby. There are other things that I am working on just while passing the time:
1. General nesting: I moved into my condo in November and am still working on getting stuff I need for it, just to make it nice and homey for me and a baby.
2. Just generally taking care of my health: the fertility diet, supplements, exercise, stress reduction. Also, monitoring my fertility.
3. Monitoring my spending and cutting back on things I don't need.
4. Since I won't be starting until late August, I would like to try to enjoy my summer. I might want to take a small trip of some kind. I want to ride my bike as much as possible. I want to try this zip line in the mountains. I don't know what else, but I want to live it up as much as possible. I think this is especially important because, if I am successful, I could have a new baby next summer and I don't think newborns are allowed on the zip line.
So, that's it. I'm jut trying to keep focused, get this all done, and hope something doesn't derail me in the meantime.
1. Driving: Uhg. Most people who know me, know that I hate to drive. It's definitely a fear thing. Like any fear, the longer you avoid it, the bigger it gets. I do have a basic ability to drive and a driver's license. I have already started driving again, after avoiding it for most of my 20's, which is pretty big for me. My only motivation is my desire to be a mother. If it wasn't for that, my butt would be living in NYC right now, taking public transportation until the day I die. That's how much I hate driving. In some ways, I'm really ashamed of myself for even having such a fear and getting over it is no easy task. I have even tried hypnosis. So, I've been taking lessons as a refresher with this guy who is a cop! Let me tell you, it's intense. I've taken five so far and will probably take at least a few more. I think I'm doing ok, but I am still nervous about it. The pressure is on because if I cannot adequately conquer this fear in the next 172 days, baby will be on hold. I would just live in a major city with a baby, but my social worker salary does not stretch as far in such places.
2. Obtaining an actual car: this will not be as difficult as conquering the fear of driving. I need to save up a down payment for a decent used car. I'm a pretty good saver though. I'm hoping to have this done by June. I really hope it's a Subaru, to complete my image, but I will take what I can get.
Those are the two main things that have to happen before I can have a baby. There are other things that I am working on just while passing the time:
1. General nesting: I moved into my condo in November and am still working on getting stuff I need for it, just to make it nice and homey for me and a baby.
2. Just generally taking care of my health: the fertility diet, supplements, exercise, stress reduction. Also, monitoring my fertility.
3. Monitoring my spending and cutting back on things I don't need.
4. Since I won't be starting until late August, I would like to try to enjoy my summer. I might want to take a small trip of some kind. I want to ride my bike as much as possible. I want to try this zip line in the mountains. I don't know what else, but I want to live it up as much as possible. I think this is especially important because, if I am successful, I could have a new baby next summer and I don't think newborns are allowed on the zip line.
So, that's it. I'm jut trying to keep focused, get this all done, and hope something doesn't derail me in the meantime.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
March needs to be about exercising
Man, I feel so out of shape and gross. Nothing makes me want to stay inside and eat carbs and butter like a Vermont winter. I am really struggling to find the motivation to exercise though. Honestly, for the most part, I hate exercising. I mean, I love to ride my bike on the bike path in the summer, but that's months away. I love yoga, but I haven't been doing much of that either. I don't find that I get as much out of doing yoga at home. I really need a class. But you know, it's cold out...I don't want to spend the money...yoga pants make me feel fat...blah, blah, blah. I have a membership to the YMCA, but I haven't been using it enough. I'm basically just donating money to them. I know that exercise would help with my whole "fertile lifestyle" though. Also, I don't want to start out a pregnancy feeling all out of shape and gross. So, March needs about exercise. Nothing crazy, just moderate exercise. I'm not looking to lose a bunch of weight. I just want to feel active and in shape. So, I want to get the most out of my Y membership this month and then cancel it. Then, I want to get back to yoga. Then, back to the bike path for the summer. So, I'm just putting this out there to keep myself honest.
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