A Donor has been Chosen

I have decided on a donor to start with.  I don't want to get my heart too set on him in case he gets sold out or some sort of problem arises.  Also, if it takes awhile to get pregnant, I may end up switching donors, but for now, a choice has been made!  I showed the baby pics of my donor choices to some of my friends, so for those of you who have seen them, I went with the blonde.  I ended up going with an anonymous donor, mostly because I just couldn't find one who meets all of my other criteria among the "willing to be known's."  Overall, I feel like I made the right choice though.  So, let's just keep fingers crossed that he doesn't get sold out anytime soon!

Baby's Room

This photo will not mean anything to anyone except for me, but this is a view that I am extremely grateful for: future baby's room free of my roommate's clutter. I am still working on cleaning it. I am on my way to the store to pick up some sage!

Officially Debt Free

Today, I have accomplished a major to-do list item:  I paid off my credit card!  I never had a ton of credit card debt, but there was awhile where I carried more of a balance then I would have liked and other things kept having to take priority.  So, yes, officially debt free (not counting my mortgage, lol).  I'm also making a serious effort to be more financially disciplined.  We'll see how it goes.

In other good news, my roommate has moved out.  This weekend I will be conducting the most massive OCD cleaning project of my life.  I already have an air filter going in the room he was occupying.

Biking Season is Upon Us!

In the spirit of the "summer bucket list," I took a nice long bike ride this past weekend. This is one of the things I can't wait to share with my future child!

Happy Mother's Day

I am hoping that this will be my last childless Mother's Day.  I'm not really feeling the burn of this holiday this year.  Mostly, I am just hopeful to start ttc soon.  However, I can't help but think about what it's like for people struggling to get pregnant, queer couples who have to go through so much to have a child in their life, people struggling with the adoption process, etc.  I think many people take it for granted how lucky they are to just be able to get pregnant on their own without paying obscene amounts of money or having to justify their reasons for wanting to be a parent to anyone.

Let the Cleansing Begin

Many people know that I have had the most awful roommate situation for the past couple of months.  Basically this co-worker of mine, who was sort of a friend at the time, moved in with me in March.  I was under the assumption that he was planning to pay rent and he was under the assumption that he could stay here for free.  Obviously, this is partly my fault because I should have hammered out the details with him first, but who would assume that they could live with someone for free?  Looking back on it, I had tried to talk to him about the logistics a few times before he moved in, but he acted like he was too busy and overwhelmed with his partner moving to discuss moving in with me.  So, I've been feeling really taken advantage of by him.  I did eventually confront him about the rent, but honestly, I lost all respect for him in that conversation.  He actually told me that he had asked me how much I wanted for rent and that I told him he could just stay here.  I swear, this conversation never happened and I am uncomfortable with a liar.  In addition, he's pretty dirty.  His room (my future baby's room) smells really bad.  Nobody is going to get away with farting (or whatever he does) in my baby's room.  He also talks constant sh*t about how stupid social workers are (I am a social worker).  The worst though, is that ever since the rent conversation, things have been really tense between us, meaning we barely speak.  He has tried to be superficially friendly, but I have a limited capacity to fake my feelings.

That's the background, to get to the point of my story:  I woke up this morning just feeling like some kind of doormat.  It's not just this situation, but it's been a general theme lately.  I don't know if I've been putting some kind of energy out into the universe, making people feel like it's ok to walk all over me or what.  So, I just lost it.  I sent him a text message (he's not here this weekend) and told him that he needs to be out by Memorial Day weekend.  He responded "ok."  I imagine he might leave sooner, but my gosh, I cannot imagine how tense it will be between now and whenever he leaves.  Overall, I just need this though because I can't keep feeling this tense.  I want to just enjoy this summer.  Also, I really need him gone if I move up my ttc timeline.  He was supposed to leave by August anyway, but I feel like I can't even leave town with him here because I don't trust him to be here alone.  So, hopefully within the next two weeks, he will be gone.  Then, my task will be to get the smell out of future baby's room.

I intend to be more careful about this type of thing in the future.  I won't tolerate being taken advantage of, especially with a child.  I want them to grow up knowing a strong, capable mother, who doesn't take this kind of bullsh*t from anyone.  So, I'm setting all kinds of boundaries with people and I understand that that will not be received well by everyone, but frankly, that's just too f**king bad.

Sorry for the language, by the way.

Summer Bucket List

I got the idea that it might be good for me to plan for some fun summer activities to pass the time and distract myself, even though my timeline is a little up in the air at the moment.  I want to make sure to enjoy the summer, especially because next summer, I could be pregnant, have a newborn, or be insane from dealing with an unsuccessful ttc process.  At the same time, I can't do too much, since I am trying to save money.  So, I've identified a couple of must-do summer activities and am still trying to think of other possibilities:

1.  I am going to see Sarah McLachlan perform with the Vermont Symphony Orchestra.  I worshipped Sarah in high school and have never seen her live!  I figured it's a good opportunity to get one last concert in before I need to hire a baby-sitter for a night out.

2.  I am planning to spend as much time biking to the beach as I can this summer.  This is an activity I would certainly do with a kid, but pregnant or newborn...likely something that could get skipped altogether next summer.

3.  The stars have aligned and there is a yoga-on-the-lake class that fits with my work schedule, so I am planning to go to that every week if possible.

4.  I am planning to go to Philly for a long weekend.  I lived there for six years and have not been back since I moved to Vermont two years ago!

5.  I have considered doing this zipline in the mountains, but it's a little pricey, so I have to think about it.

I'm not sure what else at the moment, but I definitely want to make the most of this summer, especially since summers are so short here!

At Home vs. Clinic

Throughout this whole process, I have assumed that I would just go straight to a clinic for the inseminations. I thought it just made sense, since the success rates are higher.  There have been a few times when the thought of starting at home crossed my mind, but I've mostly remained committed to going straight to clinic.  Now, I'm not so sure.  There are a couple of things that appeal to me about starting at home.  The first, is just the privacy of it; not wanting all the bright lights, stirrups, etc.  The second is that I don't know that I fully trust the RE team here.  It seems like their protocols are pretty standardized and rigid, which I guess is the norm for REs, but still.  I don't know that their protocols will necessarily work for my body.  I also don't know that they're as invested in me getting pregnant as I am.  I haven't really had a ton of contact with them though, so maybe I'm being unfair.  I did my initial consultations and they didn't feel that I needed any sort of testing, so they don't need to see me again until I'm ready to start.
The third reason is that I could technically start sooner than August.  I've been working on finishing up my pre-ttc financial goals, all of which should be done by June.  I was waiting until August because the up-front cost with going to the clinic was going to be more.

So, it seems a little crazy, but there is a possibility that I could start next month.  I haven't officially made up my mind though.  There are some logistics to consider with the at-home inseminations.  There's also the fact that I still have a roommate living with me, but maybe a sperm tank in the living room would encourage him to move on.  I also sort of feel like I'm rushing things due to my impatience and don't know that's the best idea, but it's really only eight weeks prior to when I planned to start, so......

We shall see.