Holy Lack of Appetite!

OMG, food has become so unappealing to me!  I am not exactly nauseous, but I just feel full all of the time.  I hit this wall when I'm eating, it's like, if I take one more bite, I am going to be nauseous!  I just feel so guilty because I have this long list of food that I'm supposed to be eating (7-9 servings of fruit and vegetables per day, whaaa????) and I can barely eat.  I just hope my little peanut is getting all of the nutrients she/he needs.  I mean, I am taking a pre-natal vitamin, but still.  I also have been starting to feel a little weak/dizzy/tired, like some food might help!  I was pretty much immobile on the couch for like two hours this afternoon, not exactly sleeping, but just not enough energy to function.  The only thing I am really craving is chocolate milk.  Of course, chocolate milk is super filling, so once I have that, I can pretty much be done for hours!  Right now, I kind of want some tacos from a specific place, but I know I'm going to hit that wall, so is it really worth it to pay for take out?  I do have this book, Real Food for Mother and Baby, that kind of breaks down what you need eat more simply and acknowledges how most of the nutrition recommendations for pregnant women are unrealistic in quantity the first trimester.  I think the first trimester is supposed to be a lot about focusing on vitamins A and D (I think), so hopefully, as long as I'm getting that, I'm not doing permanent damage to my baby!

Houston, We Have a Heartbeat!

So, the ultrasound went well!  We were able to see the gestational sac, yolk sac, fetal pole, and a little heartbeat!  The heartbeat was too new to measure BPM, but definitely there- a little flicker on the screen!  Most, importantly, there is only one!  In the past couple of days, I started convincing myself that I might be carrying twins and was freaking out!  So, maybe I can enjoy at least a couple of anxiety free days before I invent the next issue?  We got a look at my fibroid too (another freak-out I had been having) and it looks small and away from everything important.  They're going to measure it as we go along, but don't think it will interfere with anything.  I also had my initial pre-natal appointment with a midwife, which went well.  Of course, I got a lecture about the need for "supports" because of my "situation," but it wasn't too bad.  So, overall, I am feeling pretty good today!

Feeling Slightly More Pregnant

Over the past few days, I've started to feel a little more symptomatic again, which has helped ease some of my anxiety.  Mostly, I just have a lot of cramping going on, which does feel a little freaky, but I know it's different than the usual cramps.  It at least feels like there's some activity there, so I'm good with that.  I still don't feel nauseous or tired.  My appetite is maybe a little less than usual.  I've actually lost about two pounds!  I don't feel like I'm eating that much less though.  So, yesterday, I allowed myself to spend some time with the baby name book, research baby products online, and peruse maternity and baby clothes at the mall this afternoon.  Also, I am OCD cleaning more than usual!  So, I still remain cautiously optimistic as this is still pretty early (5 weeks, 2 days).  Tuesday, I have my ultrasound and meeting with a midwife.  If the ultrasound goes well, I get to tell my Dad and sister so, big week ahead!

Lack of Symptoms

Today I am 4 weeks and 5 days.  I have had some symptoms, but they haven't lasted, which is kind of freaking me out a bit.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to feel horrible, but it would be comforting to at least feel pregnant in some way.  I had sore boobs and PMS-like cramping and bloating, but both of these symptoms seems to have disappeared in the last 48 hours.  I also had no appetite, but that seems to have improved some too.  I am not nauseous.  I have just as much energy as usual.  I am trying to stand by my commitment to be in the moment, not worry away the first trimester, etc., but it is much easier said than done!  I am actually not googling too much because I do recognize that the internet is not my friend at the moment.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week when I will be 5 weeks, 4 days.  When I called to schedule, they wanted to set me up with my first pre-natal appointment for right after the ultrasound.  All I could think was, "shouldn't we wait to see if it's viable first?"  I didn't say anything though and let them schedule the appointment.  So, hopefully, I will be having my first meeting with a midwife next week.

I recognize that I do have a tendency to feel anxious when something good happens, imagining all of the ways that it could be taken away.  Last year, when I bought by condo, I kept thinking about what would happen if I lost my job and couldn't pay my mortgage.  Eventually, I realized that A) My mortgage isn't that much, B) I don't really make that much money, so C) If I lost my job, I could probably get a job at the Gap and still pay my mortgage.  So, now, I enjoy my condo without the anxiety.  Hopefully, an equivalent of this will happen for this pregnancy.

Oh!  And listen to this!  Yesterday, I called up a place here that helps with childcare searches to ask about when I would need to start the process of looking for childcare.  Well!  They told me that some daycares around here (of which there are not that many) have waiting lists until 2014, so it would make sense to start now.  So, while I sit here wondering if my pregnancy is viable, my microscopic cluster of cells is on the waiting list for four center based daycares.

Sigh of Relief

Well, my beta went from 117 (14dpo) to 402 (16dpo)!  I was actually really surprised to get a call from an awesome nurse who didn't want me to have to wait until tomorrow.  They're supposed to call me tomorrow to set up a 6 week ultrasound.  So, I am trying to just relax about all this now!  In the way of symptoms, I don't have too much going on for the moment.  I have some bloating and mild crampiness, but overall, I feel the same, at least physically!

Waiting for 3rd Beta

I'm waiting to have my beta level drawn again tomorrow and then results on Monday.  Let me tell you, it feels like a long time to wait!  In the mean time, I have been working on seriously chilling the f*** out.  I feel like I'm in this limbo:  wanting to be really excited, but also fearing miscarriage.  However, I can't spend 12 weeks like this.  What's going to happen, is going to happen.  Other than just taking good care of my body, I can't really do much else.  It's out of my control.  I have looked forward to being pregnant for a long time, so I am basically trying to look at each day as "I'm still pregnant today."

Waiting for 2nd Beta

Ok, today is the day I have to go in to have the second beta to make sure that it has doubled.  I doubt I will have the results today, but hopefully by tomorrow.  Much positive energy needed!  The second line is much darker than two days ago, so I do feel like my level is going up.  That spotting has not returned (knock on wood) and my BBT has stayed elevated this whole time.  I am putting the thermometer away today!  I will keep you all posted.

UPDATE:  Beta went from 62 (12dpo) to 117 (14 dpo), which is not a perfect double, but close.  So, I have to go back for another (!) on Saturday, which I'm sure means no results until Monday.  I feel like people don't normally need to do this?

Well...

Just heard back about my beta and it was 62 yesterday, which was about 12dpo.  I guess that's "ok," the real issue is if it doubles tomorrow.  However, I did just have a bit of spotting, which is making me nervous.  So, we'll see.

Stronger by the Day

Well, the second line has been getting stronger every day, but I am still anxiously awaiting beta results!

Waiting for Beta

Sitting at the lab waiting to have blood drawn for my beta HCG. So nervous!!!! Please be a strong beta! Then I have to go back in a few days to make sure it doubles and then 6 week ultrasound, eeeeeeek!!!

UPDATE:  I had my blood drawn this morning for my beta, but haven't heard back about the results and the end of business day has come and gone, uhg!  Hoping to hear tomorrow!

Ohhhhhh, I can see how this is going to go!

Let me just say that this day has been spent googling a lot of things.  Somewhere in my travels, I stumbled upon multiple reports of false positives with Wondfo pregnancy tests and started FREAKING OUT!  This freak out ended with me doing a pregnancy test on a glass of water.  I am relieved to announce that my glass of water is not pregnant!  Planning on calling the doctor tomorrow to talk about a blood test!

And Then There Was This......

Well, it's looking like a real second line now! I am basically in a state of shock, disbelief, and pure joy at the same time. I remain cautiously optimistic as this is still really early, so here's hoping that the line continues to get stronger!

New Level of Crazy

Well, I started testing yesterday at 9dpo, which was negative.  Then, I tested this morning at 10dpo and think I might be hallucinating a faint second line.  With the risk of fully exposing the crazy, here it is: