Today, I am 11 weeks, 3 days. Obviously, I have been bad about keeping up the blog. I still blame it on the fatigue, nausea, and general lack of productivity. I am starting to feel somewhat better. I'm not quite as tired, I haven't vomited lately, but I am still fairly nauseous with no appetite. I feel like I'm starting to show a little bit, although I haven't gained any actual weight. It's funny, I've never really had a problem gaining weight before. My friends say that I'm not showing though, but my clients at work have been eyeing my belly suspiciously and I don't think I'm imagining it. I'm sort of in this awkward place too where my regular clothes don't fit that great, but maternity clothes are too big, so that's kind of annoying.
Overall, the pregnancy still has not been feeling completely real, but I have a feeling that will change. This week, I will be approaching the 12 week mark, which means telling more people over the next few weeks. It means telling the people who didn't know I was trying or even considering parenting, so I think there is a little more potential for weird reactions. Up until this point, I have told my immediate family and friends who knew that I was trying. Later this week, my parents are planning to tell my extended family. At work, I think I will probably start looking more pregnant. I will probably put something on Facebook in the next week or two. So, actually, I'm really nervous about these people knowing. I'm afraid of being disowned by some family members, particularly my republican grandparents on my mom's side. I've also found that it's just not the best feeling to tell someone you're pregnant and then face a reaction that is anything other than excitement. So, I am trying to muster up some courage heading into this week. I am reminding myself that I am not a teenager revealing a pregnancy. I am a 30 (soon to be 31) year old woman with master's degree who has been planning this for years. So, I need to have some confidence, if not for me, then for the baby.
On an exciting note, I am meeting a doula team later this week! I realize that it might be early to get a doula in place, but I didn't want to mess around. I am feeling better (although not 100%) about my sister being pregnant, but she is due exactly 3 weeks after me, so it does pose some logistical issues in terms of support, particularly if I am late. My sister is less likely to be late as she will ask to be induced. So, it is very possible that our babies could be 1-2 weeks apart. This will be a strain on my parents. So, I will need to be good about putting together a non-family support team for the birth and immediate postpartum period.
My tasks for today include trying to get some food in me, trying to get my house clean, and trying to find some courage. I will keep you all posted on how these next few weeks turn out!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
9 Weeks
Well, I've made it to 9 weeks. There's not too much to report this week, but I thought I would try to check in at least once per week. I've still been pretty nauseous and actually got sick earlier this week when I got a whiff of white vinegar. Today, I'm actually not feeling as nauseous or tired, but that's a catch 22. Symptoms disappearing makes me worry that something is wrong. So, it's pretty much a lose-lose situation at the moment! I still wish that I was eating better. I know that I'm supposed to be eating all these fruits and vegetables, but all my body really wants when I can actually eat something is carbs and fats. I am taking advantage of feeling good today by going on an OCD cleaning binge.
I'm feeling a little bit better about the whole sister-being-pregnant-at-the-same-time situation. I mean, it's going to take awhile before I'm completely over it, but I am feeling better than last week. She and I has a long phone conversation this week, which is mostly what helped. I feel really uneasy if we're not speaking. I also concluded from my conversation with her that, as much as I love her, she is insane. So, that provided some validation.
I've made a pregnancy to-do list, which is kind of long and scary. Most of the things need to wait until after the first trimester, but I'm trying to work on what I can now. This week, I had the grueling task of applying for additional life insurance. I figured I should do this before I start gaining weight, although I think I will still be in an ok weight range later on. So, tomorrow, I have an examiner coming to my house (so weird) to take blood and stuff. Take note of this in case I go missing! I think the worst part of the to-do list is going to be all of the "in case I die" preparations. It's all so depressing, but so necessary at the same time, uhg.
I have started vacillating between being excitement and sheer terror. I've had a few "can I really do this?" moments this week. I'm sure this will be an ongoing theme. Organizing things and making to-do lists actually does kind of help though.
Overall, I am doing ok and still eagerly awaiting the end of the first trimester so that I can be openly pregnant. A little less that 3 weeks! I can officially "come out" on Halloween.
I'm feeling a little bit better about the whole sister-being-pregnant-at-the-same-time situation. I mean, it's going to take awhile before I'm completely over it, but I am feeling better than last week. She and I has a long phone conversation this week, which is mostly what helped. I feel really uneasy if we're not speaking. I also concluded from my conversation with her that, as much as I love her, she is insane. So, that provided some validation.
I've made a pregnancy to-do list, which is kind of long and scary. Most of the things need to wait until after the first trimester, but I'm trying to work on what I can now. This week, I had the grueling task of applying for additional life insurance. I figured I should do this before I start gaining weight, although I think I will still be in an ok weight range later on. So, tomorrow, I have an examiner coming to my house (so weird) to take blood and stuff. Take note of this in case I go missing! I think the worst part of the to-do list is going to be all of the "in case I die" preparations. It's all so depressing, but so necessary at the same time, uhg.
I have started vacillating between being excitement and sheer terror. I've had a few "can I really do this?" moments this week. I'm sure this will be an ongoing theme. Organizing things and making to-do lists actually does kind of help though.
Overall, I am doing ok and still eagerly awaiting the end of the first trimester so that I can be openly pregnant. A little less that 3 weeks! I can officially "come out" on Halloween.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
8 Weeks
I feel like I haven't posted in awhile after the flurry of "oh my gosh, I'm pregnant" and various beta anxiety posts. In the past two weeks, I started feeling pretty nauseous and tired, hence the lack of posting. Basically, when I get home from work, I am non-functional. The nausea does at least help me feel like I'm actually pregnant, so it has at least eased my anxiety some. I also had another ultrasound this week, which went well (I'll try to post a picture). The baby's heart was visibly beating a strong 154 beats per minute! So, that's also helped with my anxiety. Overall, I am looking forward to the first trimester being over so that I can A. Maybe feel better? and B. Not be in the closet about the pregnancy!
In other news, my sister told me that she's pregnant earlier his week and I have to admit, I did not take it well. I'm aware that this is may be immature, but it's honestly how I am feeling. My sister is two years younger than me and to be fair, she has been trying for quite some time, but I have always felt that she was trying to beat me to it especially after I told her that I was going to move forward with this. I was a bit surprised by the news because this past summer, she had told me that her doctor had said that she needed to lose around 60lbs before getting pregnant to minimize the possibility of being high-risk, so I thought she was taking time off to lose weight, but I guess not. So, I'm upset on a few levels:
1. I definitely wanted to feel like this was sort of my moment, especially after there was a lot of focus on my sister getting married a little over a year ago and then buying a house this past year. I know this will probably be my only pregnancy, so I did want the attention on me for a second. One of the issues I have always had with my sister too is that since we're so close in age, I always felt like we were treated like twins growing up. We had to share everything, people couldn't tell us apart, it felt like it was hard to be individuals, etc. Everyone always referred to us as "the girls," so now it just kind of feels like "the girls are pregnant."
2. I really feel like it stretches my support system thin. I'm not sure exactly when my sister is due, but it sounds like it will probably only be about 3 weeks after me (So, to be fair, she probably got pregnant before I told her, but still). Obviously many babies come late, but knowing my sister, she will be induced on or before her due date and she is not opposed to elective c-section. So, there's quite a possibility of our babies only being like a week apart. Obviously, my sister is not going to be able to be here for me, but I also am unsure about my mom. She had been planning to take time off from work to come stay with me after the baby is born (especially in the event of a c-section), but if my sister is delivering possibly 1-2 weeks later, with a potentially high-risk pregnancy, my mom will also need to be there for her (we live in different states about 6 hours away). My mom was also planning to take time off from work to come stay with my baby for a week or two when I first go back to work, but again, she doesn't get endless time off from work, so....
Sidenote: I don't mean to sound insensitive about my sister's health/weight. Of course, I hope it's fine. If something ever happened to her or her baby, it would kill me. However, I can't help but feeling like the fact that she wasn't willing to take a little time to at least try to lose some weight means that she is in competition with me. I also just wish that she would take better care of herself because I don't want her to have any problems.
3. The nail in the coffin: I have been really trying to move on from this since she told me earlier this week, but I was talking to mother this morning and she told be that my sister has decided not to wait the 12 weeks to announce her pregnancy. So, I'm waiting another month and my sister will announce to our extended family, friends, facebook, everything, before me. So, yeah, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel like this is not a competition. There's a long history of her doing things that seem competitive, I won't bore you all with the details, but this is not the first and my parents have definitely noticed it over the years.
I will admit too, that I didn't have the best reaction when my sister actually told me. I have since apologized, but I don't know that she is accepting my apology at this time, so now I am dealing with wondering how long we will be on non-speaking terms, do I need to call and beg for her forgiveness?, etc.
So, I'm trying to get past it and to feel like my pregnancy is still special, but it's hard. It's not like I don't have friends, but my immediate family is definitely my core support system. I know that in the long term, it will probably be good for my baby to have a cousin who is their same age. Although, I don't know... my sister and I will raise our children very differently, my parents will treat them like twins, so I don't really know exactly how this will play out. Right now though, it's definitely tough. I have told some people this week and felt like I faced a lot of invalidation. So, I definitely plan to minimize the number of people I say anything to about this in the coming months, because honestly, I just find myself recoiling when someone tells me how awesome this is going to be for me and my kid.
In other news, my sister told me that she's pregnant earlier his week and I have to admit, I did not take it well. I'm aware that this is may be immature, but it's honestly how I am feeling. My sister is two years younger than me and to be fair, she has been trying for quite some time, but I have always felt that she was trying to beat me to it especially after I told her that I was going to move forward with this. I was a bit surprised by the news because this past summer, she had told me that her doctor had said that she needed to lose around 60lbs before getting pregnant to minimize the possibility of being high-risk, so I thought she was taking time off to lose weight, but I guess not. So, I'm upset on a few levels:
1. I definitely wanted to feel like this was sort of my moment, especially after there was a lot of focus on my sister getting married a little over a year ago and then buying a house this past year. I know this will probably be my only pregnancy, so I did want the attention on me for a second. One of the issues I have always had with my sister too is that since we're so close in age, I always felt like we were treated like twins growing up. We had to share everything, people couldn't tell us apart, it felt like it was hard to be individuals, etc. Everyone always referred to us as "the girls," so now it just kind of feels like "the girls are pregnant."
2. I really feel like it stretches my support system thin. I'm not sure exactly when my sister is due, but it sounds like it will probably only be about 3 weeks after me (So, to be fair, she probably got pregnant before I told her, but still). Obviously many babies come late, but knowing my sister, she will be induced on or before her due date and she is not opposed to elective c-section. So, there's quite a possibility of our babies only being like a week apart. Obviously, my sister is not going to be able to be here for me, but I also am unsure about my mom. She had been planning to take time off from work to come stay with me after the baby is born (especially in the event of a c-section), but if my sister is delivering possibly 1-2 weeks later, with a potentially high-risk pregnancy, my mom will also need to be there for her (we live in different states about 6 hours away). My mom was also planning to take time off from work to come stay with my baby for a week or two when I first go back to work, but again, she doesn't get endless time off from work, so....
Sidenote: I don't mean to sound insensitive about my sister's health/weight. Of course, I hope it's fine. If something ever happened to her or her baby, it would kill me. However, I can't help but feeling like the fact that she wasn't willing to take a little time to at least try to lose some weight means that she is in competition with me. I also just wish that she would take better care of herself because I don't want her to have any problems.
3. The nail in the coffin: I have been really trying to move on from this since she told me earlier this week, but I was talking to mother this morning and she told be that my sister has decided not to wait the 12 weeks to announce her pregnancy. So, I'm waiting another month and my sister will announce to our extended family, friends, facebook, everything, before me. So, yeah, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel like this is not a competition. There's a long history of her doing things that seem competitive, I won't bore you all with the details, but this is not the first and my parents have definitely noticed it over the years.
I will admit too, that I didn't have the best reaction when my sister actually told me. I have since apologized, but I don't know that she is accepting my apology at this time, so now I am dealing with wondering how long we will be on non-speaking terms, do I need to call and beg for her forgiveness?, etc.
So, I'm trying to get past it and to feel like my pregnancy is still special, but it's hard. It's not like I don't have friends, but my immediate family is definitely my core support system. I know that in the long term, it will probably be good for my baby to have a cousin who is their same age. Although, I don't know... my sister and I will raise our children very differently, my parents will treat them like twins, so I don't really know exactly how this will play out. Right now though, it's definitely tough. I have told some people this week and felt like I faced a lot of invalidation. So, I definitely plan to minimize the number of people I say anything to about this in the coming months, because honestly, I just find myself recoiling when someone tells me how awesome this is going to be for me and my kid.
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