This is long, but is just something that I need to get off my chest.
Over the past year-and-half or so, I have been "coming out," so to speak, to various people in my life about my plans to TTC. I've told my parents, my sister, a few friends, a couple of co-workers/friends, two gynecologists, my cats, and probably a couple of other people. The reactions have varied from supportive, to unsupportive, and some in between. I can't help but comparing this to my experience coming out as a lesbian and I have to say, I am finding that coming out about my desire to be a mother and do it on my own, has actually been more difficult for me than coming out as a lesbian.
To be fair, coming out as a lesbian was really done under ideal circumstances for me. I know that not everyone has it so easy. For me, it was already 2001. I was 19 and attending a very liberal women's college where I was in good company. So, I felt like I had the support of the entire campus. The one or two friends who I had left from high school were also supportive. My parents had already suspected it for a few years, so while they were not thrilled, they were not shocked either. My parents are not particularly conservative or religious, so we didn't have those issues. My sister was/is very supportive. I didn't come out to my extended family, but this was mostly because we're not close. I wouldn't really tell them anything personal about myself. I will say that I never told my maternal grandparents and I know that they would disapprove if they knew and that that would hurt me. I have such nice childhood memories of them that I suppose I just wanted to end on that note (not to be morbid), rather than have them go out of this world disapproving of me or not on speaking terms with me. Overall though, I didn't experience any real negative reactions to coming out. I don't want to down-play this; coming out as a lesbian is a
big deal. I don't want to say that it was easy for me, but it could have been a lot worse. In a lot of ways, it actually felt pretty empowering to come out.
Interestingly, I do feel that I have basically gone back into that proverbial closet since I graduated from college. This was not intentional, just something that happened. What happened after college is basically that I have become chronically single. The weird thing about being single and a lesbian is that, while it doesn't really make you less gay, it does make you less visible. My sexual orientation just doesn't come up naturally in conversation the way that it might if I had a partner to refer to. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say; "Oh hey co-worker, just so you know, I am single, but if I were dating someone, it would be a woman. Just so you know, ok?" However, as I've gotten closer to moving forward with my plans to TTC, I have actually found myself having to come out as a lesbian all over again. I guess my fear is that if being single has sent me back in the closet, being a single mother is going to lock the closet door and put a dead bolt on it. So, before that happens, I am literally reminding people that I am a lesbian and coming out to people in my life who do not know. Another reason that I'm doing this though, is because I do intend to be out to my child. I don't want to have a baby, have everyone forget that I'm queer, have it "not come up in conversation" with my own child, and then shock them later on. I suppose I also want to practice having confidence about it before having a baby. I don't want them picking up on some internalized homophobia I have or something. So, here I am, coming out again, on a smaller scale I suppose.
Coming out and telling people about my plans to become a single mother by choice has been a different animal. I think that my family and some of my friends have known for a few years that I would eventually pursue motherhood on my own if I didn't meet anyone, but it's been more recently that I have been telling people in a more deliberate way that I have an actual plan and an actual timeline. Telling people that I am planning on doing this has been important to me for a a few reasons. For starters, I suppose I do want to know who is going to be supportive and who is not. I am working on "building my village" and I guess I want a sense of who might be in that village. I also don't really want to shock people with "guess what, I'm pregnant." A bigger reason though, is really that I want to share my excitement with others. In terms of "support," I don't feel like I need anything from anyone else, at least not at this stage in the game, but I do feel like I need others to be excited with me. I've grown accustomed to dealing with "problems" on my own, but to feel so excited and happy about something and have to keep that to myself was just not realistic for me.
This deliberate "coming out" process started in the fall of 2010. The first person who I disclosed my plans to was my gynecologist. I wanted to have a conversation about my reproductive health. Her response was "but, aren't you single?" When I said yes, she asked "and aren't you a social worker?" When I confirmed that, she said "oh honey, you'll never be able to raise a baby on a social worker's salary." That was the end of that conversation. She actually would not discuss it any further with me. Needless to say, the next time I was up for my annual, I saw a new gyn. The next one seemed to know better than to say anything, but I do think that she had a
tone about it. She also wouldn't have a conversation with me about TTC; she just referred me to Reproductive Endocrinology.
Then, there's my family. I'm sure that my parents will be very supportive of a real, live, grandchild. However, at the moment, they seem less than enthusiastic. It's not something that they'll get into with me. This has just turned into something that we don't talk about. My sister, who was probably the most supportive person when I came out as a lesbian, is now the least supportive person about my plans to TTC. I think that a lot of this has to do with her own family planning. She doesn't want me having a baby before she does. So, we also don't talk about it. My extended family doesn't know, for the same reasons that I didn't come out to them as a lesbian. The weird thing for me about the rest of the family though, is that I can't really hide a baby the way I can hide my sexual orientation. My maternal grandparents, who are still alive and well, will know if I get pregnant and have a baby. So, I don't know what kind of note we're going to end on.
My friends have definitely been more supportive than my family. However, there have definitely been some who have also seemed sort of disapproving. I don't know what it is really because most people won't say anything to me directly. People might wonder how I'll do this on my own, how I'll afford it, wonder why I don't wait longer, I don't know. It doesn't feel great though. I have my own fears about motherhood and can't help but question myself when I feel like others are silently questioning this decision.
What's been really weird for me recently though, is that the people who have seemed unenthusiastic or disapproving, actually seem to have developed some sort of amnesia, meaning they seem to have either forgotten that I ever told them of my plans to TTC, or maybe they just refuse to acknowledge it. Either way, I feel like, "ok, I put myself out there, made myself vulnerable, told you this big thing, and now we're going to pretend it's not happening?" I mean, I don't know what I expect. I don't expect to be having super regular conversations about my plans with everyone, but it's awkward for me when the other person seems to have this amnesia. I'll give you an example: My sister was here for a visit this weekend. When we were getting ready for bed, I made up my bed for her and the couch for me. She goes "So, when are you going to get the guest room set up?" I live in a two bedroom condo that I bought in November. I left the second bedroom empty because I figured it was going to be more trouble for me to set it up as an office, craft room, guest room, whatever, and then have to dismantle all of that to turn it into a baby's room. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive here, but I had numerous conversations with my sister about my plans before realizing that she has such a problem with it. I showed her the donor profiles and donor baby pictures. I told her what my timeline is. So, are we really going to pretend that the extra bedroom is a guest room? It would be like, if I came out as a lesbian and people were still trying to set me up with men.
I guess the real underlying issue here, is that since I do have my own fears about doing this, other people's lack of confidence in my ability to do this just seems very
loud, even though I do have friends who are very supportive. I also find myself now feeling a little
embarrassed about my plans, which is weird. It's hard to describe. I guess I just feel like I'm doing something socially unacceptable and with some of the responses that I've gotten from others, you would think that I'm a teenager telling people I want to have a baby instead of a 30-year-old, educated, woman.
I think this post might sound a little more negative than I intended it to. These are just some things that I've been thinking about lately. Overall, I am still really excited about moving forward with my plans. It just seems sort of strange to me that I would meet such resistance around it. While I do have fears about it, I also feel confident that I will do whatever it takes to make life as a single, queer, mother work. It's not like I would try to send the baby back! It's just sort of an interesting place to be at the moment: coming out about my plans to TTC as a single person while also reasserting my queerness. As far as coming out about TTC, I am also aware that while it feels like I have told a lot of people, that number is actually pretty small compared to the number of people I will have to be "out" to if I actually get pregnant. So, I suppose this is also a good opportunity practice having some confidence about this. More to come about the "coming out" process as it unfolds.
