I'm sitting here in the empty second bedroom with my tank, mentally preparing for my first IUI this week. I've been feeling pretty optimistic about it to the point of really feeling like "this is it...it's happening this month...I am having a baby in May." I have spent quite a bit of time on the internet researching baby products, OB providers, baby names, etc., etc., etc. It's not like I haven't been doing this for years, but this time, it feels like I'm researching these things for real, if that makes sense. However, I'm almost worried that I'm setting myself up for a harsh BFN. So, I'm trying to talk myself down to a more cautious form of optimism. I think it's the transition from home inseminations to IUI that is to blame for this. There's a part of me thinking "oh, IUI will definitely work," but I have to remember that IUI is not a sure thing.
On the other hand, I've also found myself starting to think about the whole "what if this doesn't work?" scenario. So, I'm asking myself questions like: "How many IUIs am I willing to do? Am I willing to consider medication? At what point? What about IVF? How long would it take me to save up for IVF? What about adoption? Child-free living? At what point do I give up?" Ahhhh!!!! Realistically, I know that I need to sort of take things one month at time right now, but these questions are definitely in the back of my mind. I feel like my summer has basically been spent TTC, which is fine, but it's kind of hard to think about spending the next year or few years or basically my 30's trying to have a baby. I don't know how people have the stamina to TTC on a long-term basis. In reality, I know that I'm in this for as long as it takes, but I sure hope it doesn't take that long!
So, I'm CD9 and now in the OPK race. Monday morning, I take my tank up to the hospital. I'll probably be going in for the IUI on Thursday or Friday.
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