Approximately 117 days to go!
April felt sort of unproductive. I have this overwhelming need to feel like I'm "doing" something, but at this point, it's a lot of waiting. What I did accomplish in April:
1. I completed a yoga challenge! 15 classes in 30 days. So, I feel a little more in shape, but mostly I feel reinvested in yoga. Since I completed the challenge, I get a free massage! I also rewarded myself with some new yoga pants.
2. I got back on my "fertility diet," for the most part.
3. I made some progress in terms of saving $$$, which is really why I'm waiting instead of starting right now.
4. I actually made a tough decision around staying at my current job vs. trying to get a higher paying job at this point. I just think it's going to be too crazy to try to change jobs and realistically, I don't want a different job right now. Financially, I should be ok where I am and if I find that's not the case with an actual baby, I will re-evaluate the situation.
So, May is going to be another month of focusing on saving money, blah. I need to do a little more driving in May, just so I don't get rusty while I'm saving for a car. I also need to keep up with eating healthy and doing my yoga. I'm hoping to see some warmer weather and get back to riding my bike. I have to admit that I have totally relapsed on coffee. I know that you don't have to totally give up caffeine while pregnant, so maybe I need to re-evaluate this. I just love coffee so much. If I do decide to give it up, that can probably wait another month or two...right???
Overall, I am feeling totally impatient. I know I've said it before. It's just that time really seems to be dragging. It seems sort of silly to be this impatient when I only have a few months to go and have already waited this long. I mean, at least I'm not having to wait a couple more years. When I originally set a date to start TTC, it was actually for May 2012, so that might have something to do with it. That was awhile ago though. It's gradually moved back a month here and a month there, mostly because of savings goals. You would not believe the price of sperm these days. I'm just hoping that I don't have postpone it any further. The feeling of wanting a child also feels a little strange, it actually feels like missing a real person to me. I don't want to get too cheesy here, so I'll leave it at that, but yeah, it's difficult to feel like I'm missing this "person" and having to wait longer to be re-united with them or something.
There are these moments too when I see certain people out with their kids and know that they probably didn't do all this planning and it's hard not to think..."well, if this person can just go out and have a baby without yoga, a fertility diet, a financial plan, a job, etc., why can't I just have a baby?" Ok, I know, I am horrible. It's hard though. My new thing is that I see people treating their kids like crap and think "aaaaaand I had to have a psych eval to be allowed to try to get pregnant." That's a whole different topic though.
So, here's hoping that I find a way to feel more patient over the next four months or that August comes sooner.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Anonymous vs. Willing to be Known vs. Known
Another tough decision along the way has been whether to go with a donor who is completely anonymous vs. one who is willing to be contacted by the child once they are 18. Originally, my preference was to go with one of these "willing to be known" donors in case my future offspring does have some curiosity. The main problem that I'm running into with this, is that I haven't been able to find a donor through TSBC who is "willing to be known" and also meets my other criteria. When I expanded my search to include anonymous donors, I did find a few who I am interested in. In fact, there is one who I am just in love with, who is anonymous. So, my dilemma is this: do I prioritize my other criteria (physical characteristics, education, etc.) and hope that my future offspring doesn't have a burning desire to contact their donor or compromise on my other criteria in case they do? If I go with an anonymous donor, will my child hate me? Of course, it is possible that a new donor will pop up before I'm ready to order. It is also possible that an anonymous donor could eventually change their status from anonymous to "willing to be known" at some point. I will also say that the vials for anonymous donors are $100 less. In a way, it feels selfish on my part to be willing to give up the "willing to known" status, but I am not exaggerating when I say that I could not find a donor in that bunch.
So, I just don't know. I need to do some real soul searching on this one.
A quick note on known donors:
I have actually never seriously considered using a known donor for a variety of reasons, but I will say that I have had a couple of offers. While these offers have been serious, I don't think that the other people involved really considered all of the potential complications. Naturally, I declined. Let me tell you though, nothing will compromise a friendship with a man like rejecting his sperm. To get to my actual point though- I was surprised to learn recently that there could be some real legal issues when using known donor sperm. I had just assumed that you could put together a contract and be all set. Since I never seriously considered using a known donor, I never did much research about it. Apparently, you can write up one of these "known donor contracts," but it may not hold up in court if the donor decides to sue for custody. After the baby is born, you can go through a process to have the donor's parental rights terminated, assuming that he doesn't change his mind along the way. So, one would have to really trust their known donor going into this. I know that there are women out there who are able to pull this off, but I do not have this level of trust in anyone at this point, at least no one with a penis.
So, anonymous vs. willing to be known. I'll let you all know what I decide.
So, I just don't know. I need to do some real soul searching on this one.
A quick note on known donors:
I have actually never seriously considered using a known donor for a variety of reasons, but I will say that I have had a couple of offers. While these offers have been serious, I don't think that the other people involved really considered all of the potential complications. Naturally, I declined. Let me tell you though, nothing will compromise a friendship with a man like rejecting his sperm. To get to my actual point though- I was surprised to learn recently that there could be some real legal issues when using known donor sperm. I had just assumed that you could put together a contract and be all set. Since I never seriously considered using a known donor, I never did much research about it. Apparently, you can write up one of these "known donor contracts," but it may not hold up in court if the donor decides to sue for custody. After the baby is born, you can go through a process to have the donor's parental rights terminated, assuming that he doesn't change his mind along the way. So, one would have to really trust their known donor going into this. I know that there are women out there who are able to pull this off, but I do not have this level of trust in anyone at this point, at least no one with a penis.
So, anonymous vs. willing to be known. I'll let you all know what I decide.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Sperm Week
This may sound dorky, but I am excited. I just scheduled a week off in July and am hoping to use that week to have my vials of "sperm" (still not liking that word) shipped from California and then taking them to the hospital here to be "transferred." This won't take the whole week, I just wanted a week off in the summer and figured it would be less stressful to deal with when I'm home from work. So, I'm calling this "sperm week." I can't wait. I will have to restrain myself from going around and saying things like "sperm week's almost here!" "it's sperm week!" I accept that not everyone will want to celebrate sperm week with me. 88 days until "sperm week!" Ok, I should probably work on getting a life between now and then.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
March/April To-Do List Update
At this point, I am making month-by-month to-do lists to get ready to hopefully start TTC in August. Some months have been more productive than others. March was not too bad:
1. I took a couple more driving lessons and made pretty good progress, to the point that I may not need to take any more. See post below.
2. I started exercising more. I took a few long bike rides when we had nice days and I got back to yoga. I'm doing a yoga challenge right now at a local yoga studio, where you take 15 classes in 30 days and then get a free massage. I've done it before and it really helps me get back into a routine.
3. I decided on a sperm bank, registered with The Sperm Bank of California, and have been researching donors.
April may be a slow month. At this point, it's a lot about saving money. So, April is going to be working on saving, continuing to exercise, and continuing general healthy lifestyle stuff. One thing that I really need to work on is getting back to my fertility diet. I had a roommate move in this month and that has really thrown it off because he cooks and brings some food into the house. He is certainly not on a fertility diet, so there's been more refined sugar, simple carbohydrates, and non-organic foods around. I'm going to have to learn to say no to some things, lol.
1. I took a couple more driving lessons and made pretty good progress, to the point that I may not need to take any more. See post below.
2. I started exercising more. I took a few long bike rides when we had nice days and I got back to yoga. I'm doing a yoga challenge right now at a local yoga studio, where you take 15 classes in 30 days and then get a free massage. I've done it before and it really helps me get back into a routine.
3. I decided on a sperm bank, registered with The Sperm Bank of California, and have been researching donors.
April may be a slow month. At this point, it's a lot about saving money. So, April is going to be working on saving, continuing to exercise, and continuing general healthy lifestyle stuff. One thing that I really need to work on is getting back to my fertility diet. I had a roommate move in this month and that has really thrown it off because he cooks and brings some food into the house. He is certainly not on a fertility diet, so there's been more refined sugar, simple carbohydrates, and non-organic foods around. I'm going to have to learn to say no to some things, lol.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Overcoming Fears
Like I've said in earlier posts, one of my big tasks, probably my biggest, before being able to TTC is that I need to overcome a serious, life long fear of driving. I would call it a phobia, actually. I was never really enthusiastic about driving. I was not one of those kids who couldn't wait to turn 16 to be able to drive. When I did learn how to drive as a teenager, the learning experience was really rather traumatic. So, I didn't feel super confident about driving. Then, I went to college and really couldn't afford a car, so I just stopped driving. I moved to Philly right after college and still couldn't afford a car at that time because I was in grad school and only working part-time. I also wasn't real keen on the idea of driving in Philly. Anyway, I have definitely been in a place where I could afford a car for the past few years, but facing the fear after all this time has been no small task. I have maintained my license this whole time. In January, I started taking lessons with this guy who is also a police officer. He is pretty tough, so the lessons have been really stressful. At times, I started to think that I just wasn't going to be able to do it. Yesterday, he told me that he thinks that I am capable of driving on my own and that I don't need any more lessons. It was like, hearing him say that, I felt years of this neurotic fear just melt away. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll be driving cross-country or anything, but for the first time, I am actually kind of excited about driving. This whole experience has also got me thinking about how important it is to not instill a sense of fear in children. I really hope that my child doesn't end up with my anxieties, but if they do, I intend to address their fears from day one.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Donor Criteria
Ok, so now that I have chosen my sperm bank, I am moving into the crazy world of choosing a donor. Since I won't be starting until this summer, I'm actually trying to choose a few donors and not get too attached to any of them in case one is sold out or reaches their family limit or something. New donors could also become available between now and the time I'm ready to start, so it's probably going to be awhile before I've officially chosen a donor. I've first had to do some thinking about what I'm looking for in a donor and here is what I have come up with (keep in mind, there is not all that much information available about donors):
1. Height and weight: it seems like most donors are of average height and weight. I believe this is one of the criteria to be a donor, so I don't have too much to think about here. I am only 5'3 and most people in my family are pretty short, so I'm trying to balance that out with a taller donor. I'm just not sure how tall is too tall. I'm thinking a max of 6'0. I don't want one who's too tall or large framed, just because I'm trying to minimize the risk of birthing a ginormous baby. I mean, I know I could still have a big baby even with a smaller donor.
2. Hair color: I don't really care that much about hair color. I have brown hair that looks to have a reddish tint at times. Most people in my family have dark hair. My sister is concerned that if I choose a blonde donor and the kid ends up being blonde, that they won't look Italian enough and they won't fit in with our family. I don't have an answer to this. If I am trying to choose a donor who looks more like me, then I guess I would need to choose one with darker hair. On the one hand, I'm not sure how important it is that my kid looks like me, on the other hand, if I'm their only parent, it might be nice for them to look more like me.
3. Eye color: this is where I am a little picky. I have blue/green eyes, so if I choose a donor with blue or green eyes, that's what my kid will have. It just feels like, if this is one thing that I can control in this process, I want that control.
4. Health: They need to have a relatively clean health history, including family health history. Of course, this is mostly self-report, so who even knows if it's accurate. It's not like my own family health history isn't full of obesity related illnesses.
5. CMV: this is actually kind of a pain. Donors have to be tested for exposure to CMV, which is a member of the herpes family. It can be sexually transmitted, but it's also transmitted via saliva or mucus. So, it's incredibly common. About 60-90% of adults have been exposed and would test positive for the antibody. So, donors can still donate, even if they're positive, but recipients (women) should only use CMV positive donor sperm if they themselves are CMV positive. A CMV infection is generally not harmful to a healthy adult, but can be fatal to a fetus. I am CMV negative. I find that when I'm looking through donor profiles, many of them are positive. So, this really narrows it down for me. On a side note, now that I think of it, I wonder what would happen if I were to be exposed to CMV some other way while pregnant. I mean, I work in a health center. I guess I should ask the RE about that.
6. Education: I'm just going to go ahead and be a total snob here. I want an educated donor. I mean, I'm not going to be one of those parents who puts a ton of pressure on their kid or anything, but I just don't want them to struggle. I must be reasonably intelligent as I have a master's degree, but I always struggled with math and science, so I'd like to try to balance that out. Of course, this is another area where it's hard to know if the donors are being honest. I don't think they need to produce transcripts or anything. Some donors do have more intelligent answers than others and I definitely pay attention to that.
7. Talent: this is not a requirement, but some musical or artistic talent would be a bonus.
8. Personality: I don't know, it's one of those nature vs. nurture kind of things and hard to tell from donor profiles anyway, but it's definitely a bonus if a donor sounds like a genuinely nice guy. Some of them definitely sound a little egotistical, but many of them are also very young (DOB: 1991?!?!) so it's hard to tell if they're just immature or a genuine asshole.
Ok, I'm probably missing some things, but these are the basics. More on the donor choices later.
1. Height and weight: it seems like most donors are of average height and weight. I believe this is one of the criteria to be a donor, so I don't have too much to think about here. I am only 5'3 and most people in my family are pretty short, so I'm trying to balance that out with a taller donor. I'm just not sure how tall is too tall. I'm thinking a max of 6'0. I don't want one who's too tall or large framed, just because I'm trying to minimize the risk of birthing a ginormous baby. I mean, I know I could still have a big baby even with a smaller donor.
2. Hair color: I don't really care that much about hair color. I have brown hair that looks to have a reddish tint at times. Most people in my family have dark hair. My sister is concerned that if I choose a blonde donor and the kid ends up being blonde, that they won't look Italian enough and they won't fit in with our family. I don't have an answer to this. If I am trying to choose a donor who looks more like me, then I guess I would need to choose one with darker hair. On the one hand, I'm not sure how important it is that my kid looks like me, on the other hand, if I'm their only parent, it might be nice for them to look more like me.
3. Eye color: this is where I am a little picky. I have blue/green eyes, so if I choose a donor with blue or green eyes, that's what my kid will have. It just feels like, if this is one thing that I can control in this process, I want that control.
4. Health: They need to have a relatively clean health history, including family health history. Of course, this is mostly self-report, so who even knows if it's accurate. It's not like my own family health history isn't full of obesity related illnesses.
5. CMV: this is actually kind of a pain. Donors have to be tested for exposure to CMV, which is a member of the herpes family. It can be sexually transmitted, but it's also transmitted via saliva or mucus. So, it's incredibly common. About 60-90% of adults have been exposed and would test positive for the antibody. So, donors can still donate, even if they're positive, but recipients (women) should only use CMV positive donor sperm if they themselves are CMV positive. A CMV infection is generally not harmful to a healthy adult, but can be fatal to a fetus. I am CMV negative. I find that when I'm looking through donor profiles, many of them are positive. So, this really narrows it down for me. On a side note, now that I think of it, I wonder what would happen if I were to be exposed to CMV some other way while pregnant. I mean, I work in a health center. I guess I should ask the RE about that.
6. Education: I'm just going to go ahead and be a total snob here. I want an educated donor. I mean, I'm not going to be one of those parents who puts a ton of pressure on their kid or anything, but I just don't want them to struggle. I must be reasonably intelligent as I have a master's degree, but I always struggled with math and science, so I'd like to try to balance that out. Of course, this is another area where it's hard to know if the donors are being honest. I don't think they need to produce transcripts or anything. Some donors do have more intelligent answers than others and I definitely pay attention to that.
7. Talent: this is not a requirement, but some musical or artistic talent would be a bonus.
8. Personality: I don't know, it's one of those nature vs. nurture kind of things and hard to tell from donor profiles anyway, but it's definitely a bonus if a donor sounds like a genuinely nice guy. Some of them definitely sound a little egotistical, but many of them are also very young (DOB: 1991?!?!) so it's hard to tell if they're just immature or a genuine asshole.
Ok, I'm probably missing some things, but these are the basics. More on the donor choices later.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Sperm Bank Update
So, after much thinking and research, I've decided to go with The Sperm Bank of California. Hopefully, that's the right decision. So, I'm sending in my registration paperwork tomorrow! Then, I just have to get my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) to sign off on a form and I should be all registered within the next week or two. I have been looking at donor profiles (of course), so my next step will be to order some long donor profiles and baby pics for the ones that I'm interested in.
On another note, I got some of my "steam" back after spending some time in the Baby Gap yesterday, which a friend of mine suggested. I didn't buy anything though. I've been really good about not buying baby stuff, just in case this doesn't work. Also, at the moment, I really need my money for sperm, lol. Later on, I'm probably going to watch "The Kids Are All Right,"which will probably help with the whole "getting my steam back" issue.
On another note, I got some of my "steam" back after spending some time in the Baby Gap yesterday, which a friend of mine suggested. I didn't buy anything though. I've been really good about not buying baby stuff, just in case this doesn't work. Also, at the moment, I really need my money for sperm, lol. Later on, I'm probably going to watch "The Kids Are All Right,"which will probably help with the whole "getting my steam back" issue.
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