3rd Trimester Update

Hello slacker!

Well, here I am at 39 weeks pregnant!  Sometimes, I still can't believe it.  The 3rd trimester has been busy and exhausting as you can probably tell from my lack of posting!  Let's see:

Physically:  I can't complain.  I've had pretty uncomplicated pregnancy.  I have been feeling increasingly uncomfortable as the end draws near- heavy, swollen, achy.  There was a bad bout of heartburn.  Also, some hip pain that made it hard to sleep.  All in all though, nothing too bad.  Most symptoms have been short-lived.  Last week, I had a few higher-than-normal-for-me blood pressure readings, which made me kind of nervous, but it turned out to not be preeclampsia (thank god) and has since resolved.

Emotionally:  I'm surprised that I haven't been more hormonal.  I think my family would disagree with this, but the issue there is that I've had to start setting limits with them since I've been pregnant, which they don't like.  I've also felt really driven most of the pregnancy, but especially toward the end.  That nesting energy is something fierce.  Sometimes, I worry that I haven't been mindful enough throughout the pregnancy, like I should slow down and enjoy it more, but at the same time, mama needs to get stuff done!

Facing fears:  I finally got a car after years of dealing with a driving phobia.  I had started driving again last year, but I bit the bullet and actually bought a car and started driving more regularly around 32 weeks pregnant.  I even have a nicely installed car seat.  Don't get me wrong, I still don't love driving, but a mama's gotta do what a mama's gotta do.  Also, in terms of fear, I will say that I am starting to fear the whole birth process.  I mean, I don't know that I've ever not feared it, but it's getting close.  I would really like to have an unmedicated birth.  That being said, I am really scared of how bad the pain might be.  It's one of those things that's kind of hard to imagine.  As my due date draws near, I'm also starting to get worried about the possibility of induction...c-section...all that fun stuff.  I also worry about feeling like some type of failure if there is a complication and I end up with a c-section.  In reality, I know that the important thing is that the baby and I come out of this healthy, but I still feel some internal pressure to have this natural childbirth experience.  Fingers crossed!

Some other highlights:

I had a really sweet baby shower in March put on by one of my good friends from work!  I have to say that my village has really grown throughout the pregnancy and I feel like the baby is coming into the world with lots of "aunties."  This is important to me since my own family is far away and rather small.

Amazing diaper cake!

Amazing food!

Everything was rainbow themed, of course!  

I've also been working on the baby's room!  It's kind of minimalist, I will admit.  The baby will be sleeping in my room in a co-sleeper for now, so that's partially why I didn't go too crazy doing a "nursery."  I kind of see her room as something that's more for her when she's older.  Here's what I have though:

So, that's brings us to today, May 10th.  Two days away from Mother's Day!  I could have another three weeks to go, which is kind of exhausting to think about.  I know that the baby will come when she is meant to come though.  Overall, I have loved being pregnant.  Sometimes, I get sad at the thought that I might not get to do it again, but I am grateful that I had a chance to experience it once.  I know that there are so many LGBT folks and single women who struggle to find a way to have child, so I try to not take it for granted.  Over the next few days, I am working on getting through the rest of my to-do list in the hopes that that will help my body relax and go into labor.  I understand that that is probably wishful thinking, but it can't hurt to have the to-do list done, right?  I can't wait to meet my daughter!  Next update will likely be post-baby!  Stay tuned.

Sometimes, I Still Don't Know What to Say.

So, it seems that many people assume that my pregnancy is some sort of accident.  To be fair, most of these people are ones who I don't know all that well, co-workers mostly.  I've gotten some questions about how I "feel" about the pregnancy?  Am I "happy" about the pregnancy?  Was I shocked to find out that I'm pregnant?  I'm always a little taken by surprise, so I just find myself answering whatever their question was without elaborating further:  "Yes, I'm happy,"  "No, I was not shocked," etc.  I guess I don't want to give someone more information than they're wanting to know or make them uncomfortable by explaining how I actually got pregnant.  However, I am uncomfortable.  It makes me feel uncomfortable that someone would assume that I accidently got myself pregnant.  I really don't mean this as a judgment about anyone who has had an unplanned pregnancy, but it just makes me feel weird.  Some of these questions have even come from people who I could have sworn that I was out to as a lesbian.  Not that a lesbian couldn't have sex with a man, but still.  The thing that's always bugged me about being a single lesbian (aside from you know, being alone) is having to either be in the closet or be coming out over, and over, and over again with no natural way of coming out, like introducing a female partner.  So I find myself thinking "damn, do I really need to remind people that I'm gay?"  So, I'm struggling with how to be more out as a single, lesbian, mother-by-choice.  I'm sure I've said in previous posts that it's important to me to be honest and open with my daughter about how she came to be, so I don't want to be secretive about this in general, but I also don't want to be in people's faces about it either.  So, I don't know, mass email?  Facebook announcement?  Have a t-shirt printed up "single, pregnant, lesbian?"  I guess I'll figure something out as time goes on, but in the mean time, people definitely think that I had an "oops."

19 Weeks

Wow, I am a serious slacker here.  Overall, the second trimester has been going well.  I'm over morning sickness!  In general, I've felt so good that I hardly feel pregnant at times.  Although, my belly is definitely growing!  In the first trimester, I feel like I was mostly consumed with not feeling well and with a general feeling of "oh my god, I can't believe I'm actually pregnant!"  In the second trimester, I have regained my energy and am feeling consumed by "holy crap, there is so much to be done before the baby gets here!"  So, my life is a lot of to-do lists at the moment (with occasional panic mixed in!), which may explain the lack of posting.  A couple of high lights from the second trimester thus far:

1.  Movement!  I started feeling little movements at week 16, although at the time, I wasn't completely sure it was movement.  Now, at 19 (almost 20 weeks) there's no doubt that's what it is!  The little movements are also getting stronger by the week.

2.  Anatomy Scan:  I had this four days ago and let me tell you, it was an emotional roller coaster!  I started getting really nervous a few days prior, worrying about all of the things that could possibly be wrong with the baby.  During the actual ultrasound, I was shaking like a leaf and trying not to cry, but I don't think the resident doing the ultrasound even noticed.  It didn't help that the whole thing seemed to take forever (in reality, it actually did take 2 hours).  So, he would be looking at something and I couldn't tell if he thought there was a problem or what.  The baby was head up and back up, so I guess it was just hard for them to see everything that they needed to see and measure, so that's why it took so long, but that did not help my anxiety.  In the end, everything was perfect.  Baby is measuring right on and has all needed limbs and organs.  Also, baby is a girl!  I am completely over the moon about this, particularly because I had a strong feeling it was a girl and did not want to be wrong.  Something about seeing the baby and knowing the gender has also fostered an intense bond.  I actually have been feeling fiercely protective of her since the scan.

Overall, I am at times overwhelmed with everything that has to be done, but also really looking forward to meeting my daughter in May!

12/13 Weeks

Today, I am 13 weeks 3 days!

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow, thank God!  I have been needing some confirmation that the baby is still...you know...alive.  I had an ultrasound that showed the heartbeat at 7 weeks 5 days, but nothing since then!  I last saw the midwife at 9 weeks, but she didn't listen for a heartbeat because she felt it was probably too early to hear and would freak me out if we couldn't hear it!  Plus, I didn't even have any sort of physical examination that visit, so it just seems like a really long time to wait for confirmation that everything is still ok!  I mean, most of this time I have had symptoms that should indicate that the pregnancy is still going well, but now that I'm heading into the second trimester (holy shit!) those symptoms are slowing down.

Speaking of symptoms, my nausea is starting to subside, which is so great!  I'm still having a bit in the morning (I had to lie down on the bathroom floor this morning actually), but not later in the day, so eating has been going better.  I think I have gained at least 2lbs also, which is a relief.  I felt like I had been stepping on the scale and seeing the same number everyday for a long time.  It's sort of weird to be stepping on the scale and hoping for a higher number!  The most bothersome symptom at this point is abdominal discomfort.  It feels like there's a lot of stretching or something happening in there, which is uncomfortable.  I get some weird pain in my pelvic and hip bones too.  It all kind of makes me wonder how I'm going to tolerate labor!

Speaking of labor, I found a doula!  They're a doula team actually, but only one of them comes to the birth, depending on who is available.  I met with them for an initial consult and just talking with them over coffee (tea for me, haha) helped me feel so supported!  They provide quite a bit:  pre-natal visits to go over comfort measures, being there for the whole labor/delivery, then for up to two hours afterward to help with breast feeding, then 2-3 postpartum visits.  I really can't emphasize enough how awesome of an experience just meeting them was!  So, hopefully having them on board will make for a positive birth experience.

In other happenings, I have been "coming out" about the pregnancy, which has mostly been a positive experience.  I think it's helped it feel more real too.  Having the pregnancy be a secret was starting to feel weird.  Plus, I am showing a little anyway, so it sort of had to be done.  I've told people at work and made a general Facebook announcement.  My parents also started telling my extended family.  My 85-year-old grandmother actually said that she's so glad the science exists for me to be able to do this, which was so awesome to hear!  I will say that she is afraid to tell my grandfather, so my mom is going to do it, but has to take my dad with her for back-up basically.  I told my parents that it would be ok with me if we just don't tell him (if he's really going to get that riled up), but they're concerned that he'll hear it from someone else.  Aside from that, I have had nothing but positive reactions.  Many of the reactions have involved some level of shock though!  I haven't explained to anyone who I don't know that well that I used a donor, so I think there may be some general confusion.  I mean, it's not really a secret, but it just feels awkward to try to explain myself if I'm not asked.

So overall, things are going well and starting to feel real, which is both really exciting and kind of scary at the same time!

10/11 Weeks

Today, I am 11 weeks, 3 days.  Obviously, I have been bad about keeping up the blog.  I still blame it on the fatigue, nausea, and general lack of productivity.  I am starting to feel somewhat better.  I'm not quite as tired, I haven't vomited lately, but I am still fairly nauseous with no appetite.  I feel like I'm starting to show a little bit, although I haven't gained any actual weight.  It's funny, I've never really had a problem gaining weight before.  My friends say that I'm not showing though, but my clients at work have been eyeing my belly suspiciously and I don't think I'm imagining it.  I'm sort of in this awkward place too where my regular clothes don't fit that great, but maternity clothes are too big, so that's kind of annoying.

Overall, the pregnancy still has not been feeling completely real, but I have a feeling that will change.  This week, I will be approaching the 12 week mark, which means telling more people over the next few weeks.  It means telling the people who didn't know I was trying or even considering parenting, so I think there is a little more potential for weird reactions.  Up until this point, I have told my immediate family and friends who knew that I was trying.  Later this week, my parents are planning to tell my extended family.  At work, I think I will probably start looking more pregnant.  I will probably put something on Facebook in the next week or two.  So, actually, I'm really nervous about these people knowing.  I'm afraid of being disowned by some family members, particularly my republican grandparents on my mom's side.  I've also found that it's just not the best feeling to tell someone you're pregnant and then face a reaction that is anything other than excitement.  So, I am trying to muster up some courage heading into this week.  I am reminding myself that I am not a teenager revealing a pregnancy.  I am a 30 (soon to be 31) year old woman with master's degree who has been planning this for years.  So, I need to have some confidence, if not for me, then for the baby.

On an exciting note, I am meeting a doula team later this week!  I realize that it might be early to get a doula in place, but I didn't want to mess around.  I am feeling better (although not 100%) about my sister being pregnant, but she is due exactly 3 weeks after me, so it does pose some logistical issues in terms of support, particularly if I am late.  My sister is less likely to be late as she will ask to be induced.  So, it is very possible that our babies could be 1-2 weeks apart.  This will be a strain on my parents.  So, I will need to be good about putting together a non-family support team for the birth and immediate postpartum period.

My tasks for today include trying to get some food in me, trying to get my house clean, and trying to find some courage.  I will keep you all posted on how these next few weeks turn out!

9 Weeks

Well, I've made it to 9 weeks.  There's not too much to report this week, but I thought I would try to check in at least once per week.  I've still been pretty nauseous and actually got sick earlier this week when I got a whiff of white vinegar.  Today, I'm actually not feeling as nauseous or tired, but that's a catch 22.  Symptoms disappearing makes me worry that something is wrong.  So, it's pretty much a lose-lose situation at the moment!  I still wish that I was eating better.  I know that I'm supposed to be eating all these fruits and vegetables, but all my body really wants when I can actually eat something is carbs and fats.  I am taking advantage of feeling good today by going on an OCD cleaning binge.

I'm feeling a little bit better about the whole sister-being-pregnant-at-the-same-time situation.  I mean, it's going to take awhile before I'm completely over it, but I am feeling better than last week.  She and I has a long phone conversation this week, which is mostly what helped.  I feel really uneasy if we're not speaking.  I also concluded from my conversation with her that, as much as I love her, she is insane.  So, that provided some validation.

I've made a pregnancy to-do list, which is kind of long and scary.  Most of the things need to wait until after the first trimester, but I'm trying to work on what I can now.  This week, I had the grueling task of applying for additional life insurance.  I figured I should do this before I start gaining weight, although I think I will still be in an ok weight range later on.  So, tomorrow, I have an examiner coming to my house (so weird) to take blood and stuff.  Take note of this in case I go missing!  I think the worst part of the to-do list is going to be all of the "in case I die" preparations.  It's all so depressing, but so necessary at the same time, uhg.

I have started vacillating between being excitement and sheer terror.  I've had a few "can I really do this?" moments this week.  I'm sure this will be an ongoing theme.  Organizing things and making to-do lists actually does kind of help though.

Overall, I am doing ok and still eagerly awaiting the end of the first trimester so that I can be openly pregnant.  A little less that 3 weeks!  I can officially "come out" on Halloween.

My little peanut