I'm getting tired of waiting to wait. I've been agonizing over to-do lists for the past few years, trying to get my life to a place where I can support a child. Now that there's not that much time left, I feel even more impatient. I want to just race to the finish line. I really shouldn't complain though. I consider myself lucky to have a chance to even try this. So, I'm trying to be patient and enjoy this time before I start living my life in two week cycles. According to Fertility Friend (that's right, I have an app for my phone that tracks my fertility), I should ovulate around August 22nd. This may actually be pretty accurate as I have a 28 day cycle that I could set my watch to. Hopefully, it stays that way. So, that would be 172 days from now. In these next 172 days, I do have some things that I need to accomplish, which is why I'm not starting right now. So, here's what's left of my three-year-long to-do list:
1. Driving: Uhg. Most people who know me, know that I hate to drive. It's definitely a fear thing. Like any fear, the longer you avoid it, the bigger it gets. I do have a basic ability to drive and a driver's license. I have already started driving again, after avoiding it for most of my 20's, which is pretty big for me. My only motivation is my desire to be a mother. If it wasn't for that, my butt would be living in NYC right now, taking public transportation until the day I die. That's how much I hate driving. In some ways, I'm really ashamed of myself for even having such a fear and getting over it is no easy task. I have even tried hypnosis. So, I've been taking lessons as a refresher with this guy who is a cop! Let me tell you, it's intense. I've taken five so far and will probably take at least a few more. I think I'm doing ok, but I am still nervous about it. The pressure is on because if I cannot adequately conquer this fear in the next 172 days, baby will be on hold. I would just live in a major city with a baby, but my social worker salary does not stretch as far in such places.
2. Obtaining an actual car: this will not be as difficult as conquering the fear of driving. I need to save up a down payment for a decent used car. I'm a pretty good saver though. I'm hoping to have this done by June. I really hope it's a Subaru, to complete my image, but I will take what I can get.
Those are the two main things that have to happen before I can have a baby. There are other things that I am working on just while passing the time:
1. General nesting: I moved into my condo in November and am still working on getting stuff I need for it, just to make it nice and homey for me and a baby.
2. Just generally taking care of my health: the fertility diet, supplements, exercise, stress reduction. Also, monitoring my fertility.
3. Monitoring my spending and cutting back on things I don't need.
4. Since I won't be starting until late August, I would like to try to enjoy my summer. I might want to take a small trip of some kind. I want to ride my bike as much as possible. I want to try this zip line in the mountains. I don't know what else, but I want to live it up as much as possible. I think this is especially important because, if I am successful, I could have a new baby next summer and I don't think newborns are allowed on the zip line.
So, that's it. I'm jut trying to keep focused, get this all done, and hope something doesn't derail me in the meantime.
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