Decision Made

Deciding whether to do an at-home insemination this month or take this month off to get ready for IUI was difficult.  I knew that no matter what I decided, I would feel like I had done the wrong the thing.  At the last minute, I felt sort of panicked since it was getting down to the wire with ordering a vial or not, so I sort of panicked and just ordered a vial.  So, decision made:  I will do an at-home insemination this month.  Just as I predicted, I am totally regretting this decision.  I am not optimistic about home insemination, I am stressed about timing, I feel like I'm throwing money at my uterus, and will now have to wait even longer to move to IUI.  However, I know that if I had taken this month off, I would have been agonizing around ovulation time and I can guarantee that this month would have been one where all my fertility signals lined up perfectly if I had decided to take the month off!  So, it was basically a lose-lose situation.  I am doing a few things differently this month:  I have stopped taking a B6 supplement after having a lot of weirdness with my cycle since I started taking it.  I am doing acupuncture.  I am taking a pro-biotic supplement (again, I have done this in the past) at the recommendation of my acupuncturist.  I ordered the vial on CD1, so it really will get here on CD11.  I don't really know what to do differently with the timing.  It feels sort of out of my hands and up to the OPK.  I am also *hopefully* getting blood work this month to look at my hormone levels.  I won't have that done by the time I do the insemination, but it may help inform my decision about how to proceed next month.  Also, the donor who I am using right now will be sold out soon.  I kind of wanted to give him one more chance before I move on to another.  I mean, he does have a PhD.  So, while I don't feel great about this, I guess all I can do now is just have faith, right?

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Well, AF finally showed up today, two days late.  So, I have had to let go of the last little bit of denial I was holding onto that maybe this cycle had worked.  I have to make a decision about what I'm doing this month by tomorrow because, if I am doing an insemination this month, I need to order sperm tomorrow.  My choices are to either do another at-home insemination this month or take this month off and move to IUI next month.  Financially, I will have to take a month off in the relatively near future.  Technically, I can wait, but it's cutting it close.  I'm just torn because I don't feel overly optimistic about another at-home insemination, but I also don't feel great about taking a month off this early in.  I am doing acupuncture this month, so maybe that will help?  Also, my donor does have raw vials available again, which is good for at-home insemination.  Anyway, I have a lot of thinking and number crunching to do today.  I'm also super tired and crampy and hot, so not really the best day for decision making.

"The Support System"

This may be an example of me being incredibly overly sensitive, but I don't care.  I'm a sensitive person.  Hell, it's my job to be sensitive, literally (I'm a social worker).  There's a line of questioning that I have come to despise on this adventure:  the questioning around... do I have an adequate support system?...who is in my support system?... etc.  Here is why this bothers me:   it feels like a wolf in sheep's clothing.  I mean, someone asking me if I have adequate support just seems so benign, right?  How could I possibly take offense to that, right?  Honestly though, what is behind that question?  What does that person really want to know?  It just seems like there is some sort of judgment or concern there and they know that they best not come out with that, so they ask about the support system.  I mean, does the person honestly think that I haven't thought about this or that they're going to ask me this question and I'm going to have some sort of lightbulb moment about my need for a support system?  This question has mostly come from medical professionals.  I know I've said this before, but when I talk to one of my medical professionals about trying to conceive, it's because I either want to have a conversation about some medical aspect of it or because I'm just disclosing it as part of what's going on with my health.  It's not because I want to talk with them about my potential life as a single mother.  Maybe that's not fair, but I have never seen my doctors as part of my support system.  I'm young and I'm healthy, so my doctors see me for about 15 minutes a year and would have no idea who I am if they passed me on the street.  When a couple comes in to their office and tells them that they are trying to conceive, do they get questioned about their support system?  To me, this is just a politically correct way for someone to raise a question about my desired family structure.  Someday, someone is going to ask me on the wrong day.

The First BFN

Well, I got home from work last night and the pregnancy tests I ordered from Amazon were waiting for me.  I didn't think they would be here until Wednesday, so I was hoping I had two more days of denial ahead of me!  I have taken three tests, all mockingly negative.  AF is not due until Friday.  I almost wish it were sooner so that I wouldn't hold on to some false hope of a false negative.  This was certainly not a surprise given the timing issues that I had this month.  I went into this whole thing pretty prepared that I would likely need to try several times.  So, I'm not too disappointed, but at the same time, it also feels like a whole lot of effort to put into something to not have it work.  So, logically, I know I need to be prepared that this could take awhile, but emotionally, I'm really hoping that it doesn't take that long!

Given the emotional toll of this cycle, I am considering moving to IUI sooner.  By "emotional toll," I'm mainly referring to the stress around timing.  Looking back on this cycle, I really don't know what I could have done differently.  I mean, it looks like I got a +OPK days before actually ovulating, but that's the kind of thing that I can see afterward, but not during.  So, when the +OPK rolls around this month, I will have no way of knowing when I am actually going to ovulate.  So, I'm just going with what the books tell me to do I guess.  So, I'm considering doing one more at-home cycle and then moving to IUI.  I'm trying to figure out the details, mostly financial, but I do need to make a decision by the time AF comes, since that's when I would need to order sperm.  Stay tuned.

Checking in 12DPO

I guess I'm 12dpo today (days past ovulation), based on when I had my +OPK and insemination.  Really though, if I look at my chart, I would say I ovulated on day 14 or 15, which would make me more like 7 or 8dpo and Fertility Friend (app that helps you track your fertility) says that I am 6dpo based on my BBT.  If I did ovulate on day 14/15 or 17 (like FF thinks I did), it probably wouldn't matter what dpo I am anyway because the sperm would likely have been dead by then.  *As a side note, wouldn't it be awesome if I could say that my iphone had a hand in helping me get pregnant?*
Anyway, I could technically do a pregnancy test at this point if I wanted to.  I'm holding out though because I am just not ready for a BFN (big fat negative).  Also, I don't want to waste the money on pregnancy tests at this point because if they are in my home, I will pee on them.  I did order a bunch of internet cheapies just to have on hand, but I don't think they'll be here until later next week, by which time AF will be due anyway.

Of course, I have been scanning my body constantly for pregnancy symptoms.  I can't really say that I've had any.  I do know that many people do not have symptoms in the 2ww even if they are pregnant.  I have been a bit tired, but that could easily be because it is ridiculously hot and I am in desperate need of a vacation.  I did have some crazy twitching in the ovary area several days ago, but that could have been my ovary trying to ovulate.  It was crazy though, I could actually see it!  Sadly, my boobs do not hurt and do not seem different in any way.  It's a very odd place to be in; wanting breast pain and nausea.

I did my first acupuncture treatment today, which was really awesome.  I just left feeling so good.  I am super grateful to have found a place that does sliding scale acupuncture, so I will be do it ongoing.  They recommended coming every week for one cycle and then the day before insemination.

On another note, I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I want to proceed moving forward and may change up my plans a little bit.  More on that later.

Am I really this Crazy?

Here is a list of things that I have googled in the past 48 hours, just to shed some light on the level of crazy that has set in:

• No BBT rise
• BBT falling after ovulation
• Low post ovulation temps
• Cause of low BBT
• Symptoms of Hypothyroidism
• How long can frozen sperm live in fallopian tubes?
• What does implantation feel like?
• Ovarian twitching
• Lower than normal BBT after TTC
• Anovulatory cycle
• Anovulatory cycle chart examples
• Ectopic pregnancy symptoms
• Ectopic pregnancy BBT
• B6 effect on BBT
• Earliest signs of pregnancy
• Signs of pregnancy before missed period
• Rachel Maddow

I also called the RE to pretty much beg them to do hormone tests, saying that I don't think I'm ovulating.  To be fair, I feel like this is a reasonable request.  My RE wanted me to take a "wait and see approach," which, at first, I was ok with, but now, I'm feeling like this is a pretty expensive "wait and see."  The blood tests that I want are covered by my insurance, so it seems logical to me to just get them.  Of course, I can't get them without an office visit, so it's going to be awhile...

In the mean time, I wait...

Obsessing

So, I think I might be having an anovulatory cycle.  I don't know for sure and I know I shouldn't obsess  about it, but it's kind of hard not to.  This cycle has just been kind of messed up; I had that early +OPK, but then my BBT is still low a week later.  Overall, I am not feeling optimistic.  I really wasn't expecting that I would get pregnant with the first unmedicated at-home insemination with frozen sperm.  However, I wasn't expected that I wouldn't ovulate either!  I think that's what's really getting to me.  Of course, I really have to just wait and see if I am pregnant.  I'm thinking that I might call up the RE tomorrow and ask for some hormone tests.  They didn't think that I needed them, they had said that I could just give myself a chance to get pregnant, but it just seems like a lot of money to spend every month to "wait and see what happens."  I am going to try acupuncture.  I found a community acupuncture place near me that works on a sliding scale.  So, basically, I am just really bummed that my body seems to not be cooperating and I have spent way too much time googling.