Thursday, July 12, 2012
"The Support System"
This may be an example of me being incredibly overly sensitive, but I don't care. I'm a sensitive person. Hell, it's my job to be sensitive, literally (I'm a social worker). There's a line of questioning that I have come to despise on this adventure: the questioning around... do I have an adequate support system?...who is in my support system?... etc. Here is why this bothers me: it feels like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I mean, someone asking me if I have adequate support just seems so benign, right? How could I possibly take offense to that, right? Honestly though, what is behind that question? What does that person really want to know? It just seems like there is some sort of judgment or concern there and they know that they best not come out with that, so they ask about the support system. I mean, does the person honestly think that I haven't thought about this or that they're going to ask me this question and I'm going to have some sort of lightbulb moment about my need for a support system? This question has mostly come from medical professionals. I know I've said this before, but when I talk to one of my medical professionals about trying to conceive, it's because I either want to have a conversation about some medical aspect of it or because I'm just disclosing it as part of what's going on with my health. It's not because I want to talk with them about my potential life as a single mother. Maybe that's not fair, but I have never seen my doctors as part of my support system. I'm young and I'm healthy, so my doctors see me for about 15 minutes a year and would have no idea who I am if they passed me on the street. When a couple comes in to their office and tells them that they are trying to conceive, do they get questioned about their support system? To me, this is just a politically correct way for someone to raise a question about my desired family structure. Someday, someone is going to ask me on the wrong day.
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I feel exactly the same way. It's the first thing people ask and I know that wouldn't be the case if I was married. It's like no one quite knows how to respond when I say I'm trying, even doctors. I even find myself asking the question, do I have a good enough support system? And questioning it, like, what is good enough? My mom and my sisters and friends, is that enough? Which is a little ridiculous, when you think of all the married women out there, and their husbands don't help at all with the baby, and they aren't analyzing the hell out of their "support systems".
ReplyDeleteCould not agree more. I know that pregnancy in general is something that makes people feel free to comment and evaluate and get all in there in someone's business. A close friend (who is married to a man) would regularly be close to tears during her pregnancy because people would comment on the size of her belly and how she'd probably have a hard time with birth (are you kidding me??? not helpful!). She just felt so freaking exposed like she could *not* get her privacy. I think it's all part of controlling women. of course being single and lesbians is an added source of exposure.
ReplyDeleteVague gestures towards possible problems in *general*-- i find aggressive. Either have something specific to contribute in a positive way to the situation, or shut up. that's my attitude. I'm right there with you.